Irma van Straaten

You’ve had a very hard week haven’t you? That Diane in accounting asked you to do that did she? She takes you for granted so much you know. We at hecklerspray love you very much. We would never take you for granted.

What you want to do is, pour yourself a massive gin (it’s the Queen’s favourite don’t you know) and get so blitzed that you don’t know where you are until the hangover kicks in at around Monday dinner time, just in time for a Boots meal deal. That’d be a great way to spend a weekend wouldn’t it? Absolutely off your face. Imagine not knowing how you got scratches and bruises. Intense.

If that isn’t for you though, maybe you’re a bit skint, or maybe ecstasy is your one true passion? Then we have the second best thing to do this weekend, and that’s watch all these brilliant TV shows and talk to us about them. A human conversation with someone. How avant garde.

FRIDAY

The Making Of Elton John: Madman Across The Water, BBC Four, 10:00pm

When Elton John isn’t dissing Madonna, or starring in Pepsi adverts for the Super Bowl, he claims he’s got a music career. Although we haven’t seen much of that since he duped Justin Timberlake to play him in the video for ‘This Train Don’t Stop There Anymore,’ it’s impossible to claim that he hasn’t had a major part of our musical heritage. From the bizarre jumpsuits and glasses, to the less bizarre outfits but more elaborate career choices, the man from Middlesex, has lived a varied and, not all together uninteresting life.

This documentary looks at the early Elton’s childhood, his apprenticeship at DJM Records and his eventual raise to supermegastardom. Bernie Taupin (Elton’s bezzie) and Leon Russell, his American BFF, blow smoke up his ass for our pleasure.

Here is Elton singing one of the greatest songs ever recorded ever with some Muppets

Toughest Place To Be A Bin Man, BBC2, 9:00pm

We all complain about our jobs at some point; whether it be delivering stinky babies from stinky lady holes, or being a PA to a demanding, misogynistic numpty, but have you thought about what it’s like emptying your bins for a living? It’ll be grim. Imagine the stuff that he’s seen. Never mind paparazzi going through your rubbish, its the bin men that you should be wary of.

Well this new BBC series, that pits our bin men against extreme bin men (that we hope will be flipping off wheelie bins and various other parkour stunts) takes us to one of the fastest growing cities in the World. Not the cultural bacteria between Sarah Ferguson’s toes when they gain sentience, but Jakarta, in Indonesia. With a population that easy passes 30 million, imagine the huge undertaking cleaning up their Dominos boxes and used tissues.

Wilbur Ramirez, our contestant in the Rubbish Olympics, travels to the land that squalor and poverty forgot to see how Imam, one of thousands of semi-destitute bin men who keep the streets of Jakarta that little bit less disgusting.

Don’t watch with your tea.

SATURDAY

Harry Hill’s TV Burp, ITV1, Whenever it’s on

We could blather on about how this series is the final series of one of the greatest primetime comedies for decades, or how Saturday night will probably never be the same once Dom Joly takes over and makes what is essentially Beadle’s About, or even how we will never marry make a honest woman of the Knitted Character, but instead of wasting your time, we’ll just leave you with this.

Look at Will. I. Am’s stupid glasses. This isn’t Tron sillyhead.

Take Me Out, ITV1, 7:45pm

Let the girl with the daddy issues see the abusive womaniser! This week sees three more struggling actors put aside any self worth and throw themselves at the mercy of 30 single women.

Trying to sum up with Take Me Out is so jaw achingly bad its like trying to keep up with a perpetual motion machine. Just as you react to one ball-bustingly bad bit the next one is veering towards you like Halle Berry speeding away from a traffic accident. It’s impossible to fully comprehend how disgusting Take Me Out will make you feel, but, if on the off chance you haven’t had enough and want to hate yourself a little bit more, then Mark Wright and some dafty present the deformed conjoined twin show. Do not say we didn’t warn you. If we could put a TV show in biohazard containment, it would be this.

SUNDAY

True Blood, FX, 10:00pm

The new series of True Blood is finally upon us, forcing it’s way on top of us like we’d imagine Dracula would do after watching Michael Roux Jr. cooking a steak barely rare (his accent is so sexy). Picking up a year after the end of Series Three concluded, and examining how Russell Edgington’s rampage has affected the already tense relationship between the mortals and vampires in Bon Temps.

Truth be told, we’re not sure that anyone watches True Blood for the story, and instead they use the 70 minutes to perv over Alexander Skarsgard, Sam Trammell and Ryan Kwanten. Which is bound to be plentiful, so get practicing those finger kegel exercises ladies, you’ve only got until Sunday.

Queens of British Pop, BBC2, 7:00pm

Who here likes pop music? Pop music could be one of the most important mediums in a modern culture, after all, imagine how boring Twitter would be if we didn’t have Jessie J or Lana Del Ray to vent our anonymous spleens about? Heck, the hecklerspray bedsit would be a more dilapidated hovel than it already is. And we already cook our beans over the exposed innards of our stolen TV.

Well gay men, feminists and musos rejoice! There’s a new show focusing, not on the sometimes antiquated and definitely over-worked subject of the influence men have had on pop music (even last week there was a whole night dedicated to Paul McCartney, with not a peep about Mari Wilson), but on women, and what women have done to the modern face of music. Exciting news, right?

The first show focuses solely on the 60s and 70s, with the archetypal female singers that every act over the past two decades has tried to emulate. Dusty Springfield, Sandie Shaw (see last week’s WATCH THIS! for our sole piece of Sandie Shaw trivia), Suzi Quatro and Kate Bush take centre stage with human leatherette three piece, Tom Jones, the only man to make drain pipes sexy, Jarvis Cocker and Henry “Eyyyyy!” Winkler jabber like drunken monkeys about what filth Marianne Faithfull got up to.

Join us here again next week, as we’ll still be probably singing ‘Wuthering Heights’ and backcombing what hair we have left, and will need someone to put us to bed and pop a bucket next to us. Just in case.

TSCHUS!

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You’ve had a very hard week haven’t you? That Diane in accounting asked you to do that did she? She takes you for granted so much you know. We at Hecklerspray love you very much. We would never take you for granted.

It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. No Mof Gimmers shouting about codpieces, no Sophie Hall shouting at Kris Wood for making a reclining chair out of sausage and no Euan L Davidson, breathing heavily in my ear.

Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.

It stings the nostrils.

This week has seen some of our most preposterous correspondence to date. Even long-forgotten artists of yesteryear are getting a mention from the lobotomised dingbats that frequently troll their way through the site. What, you don’t believe me?

How about Justine Clark who got in touch to, and I’m not making this up, offer an opinion on Daniel Bedingfield, the artistic equivalent of a beige dining room:

You talk absolute crap re: Daniel Bedingfield in my opinion. His CD Gotta Get Thru This is totally amazing as far as I’m concerned. This is why art is so wonderful and the media is so crucifying. You annoy me immensly and if only you were that spider you so lovingly spoke about.

Art is wonderful, of course. Daniel Bedingfield’s artistic craft and vision is outmatched only by his sister, Thingy Bedingfield. Of course, it’s not just music that’s an art form.

Some people believe television is art, a sensory waltz for the pleasure of your eyes. That’s probably why people react so well to the colourful dribblings of the Tellytubbies or their grown-up version, Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy:

I can see why some people really wouldn’t enjoy this show. But personally, I thought it was brilliant. Haha. I adore Noel Fielding and his work, I always have. But what saddens me is that this show has been getting so many negative reviews.
What people need to really understand is that this show is NOT The Mighty Boosh. It never will be. Julian Barratt DOESN’T need to be in this show, because that would basically make it The Mighty Boosh.
Noel can be independent. Let him. Give the show a chance, guys. You’ve only seen one episode. Noel worked quite hard on it.

There we go folks. Artistic vision is not based on the worth or the quality of the finished piece, it’s based on how hard you work. We should have given Luxury Comedy more of a chance, of course. It was wrong of us to judge it on the strength of just one episode and we realise now that next week’s instalment of Carpet Badger’s Woodland Rainbow Experience will likely be one that pushes it into an entirely new realm of comedic existence.

Or it will continue to be pervasively shite for the rest of its run.

On the bright side at least, he’s not Brad Pitt who, according to this five year old article has a tiny penis. Mind you, that’s according to Juliette Lewis who doesn’t seem to have brilliant depth perception. Luckily, Brad has the world’s slowest rapid-response unit to stick up for his pecker.

A woman is more than acunt and a man is more thanacock. This is a very small woman with a need to talk down to a man she hates to admire. Bradly Pitt is a very BIG man where it counts most to be big. He has a big heart, a big bank account and lots of kids with very BIG love for their dad. Also, Brad’s wife respects him which places them both as close to Hollywoody as the planet Mars. Its a real tribute for them to come off as martians in Hollywood where no human thing lasts for long no matter what its size. And another thing about size… In Hollywood the size of a THING is closest to the hearts of men, only a man who loves women would care less about who is unimpressed with the size ofhisSHOE. Pisson HayawathaKuntababe who coulda shoulda woulda but wasn’t anything at all.

Decipher the nonsensical crap and that’s quite a pleasant comment. Men and women shouldn’t be judged on things that they can’t help. Although, not everyone shares the same opinion of people. Remember homophobic git-drip Diane Richardson from last week’s Readers’ Letters? Well, this week she’s back with one of the most sexually menacing comments we’ve ever had:

I am not a moron, i can lay on my bed and put a 14? dildo into my anus until its disappeared and you wont even see a flinch in my eye, can either of you to dipshits do that, the answer is NO !!
What planet are you guys living on, everyone knows that the deeper you can put something into your ass, the smarter you are, so you had better straighten up because i am obviously far superior to either of you.
As for you JOANNA, you probably couldnt even get your pinkie finger in your ass, thats how dumb you are…………Retard !!

Make sure you don’t puncture any vital organs while you’re doing that, Diane. Of course, the insertion of floppy, phallic objects into oneself is high on the agenda of one Paris Jackson, daughter of Michael. She’s pre-destined to have really kinky, unprotected sex with Justin Bieber, according to God. Naturally, the whine of pernicious cunts that call themselves Michael Jackson fans are furious about this biblical necessity:

Whoever wrote this article is a fucking dickhead! You have no respect for anyone whatsoever. Maybe your just jealous coz no one gives you the sex-eye you fuckwit. Excuse my language but you deserve it doochebag. RIP MJ. We love you man. I wish Paris the best in life. Not so much of a fan of Beiber but..whatever.

We also wish Paris the best in life. Perhaps she’ll have a child out of wedlock with young Bieber and it can grow up to be the second coming of Christ, given the religious following that both precocious brats have. Still, at least that was polite compared to DharmaRepublic’s effort, who decided to call us Nazis:

THIS IS MEANT TO A WEBSITE?..news?..entertainment??..or is it the Nazi guide to news….from a Christian perspective?

lol..

GROWN UP GOSSIP…lmAOooOOoo,….hahah

some people REALLY DO DELUDE THEMSELVES DONT THEY….like the creators of such errr…..Site .

This is definitely a website. The fact that it can be read on the internet should be the first clue. Of course, the Nazi guide to news wouldn’t have a Christian perspective, as such but given that DharmaRepublic laughs at their own “jokes” using the term “lmAOooOOoo”, it’s hardly surprising to see them not understanding that.

On the bright side, at least they’re not threatening us with physical violence. Unlike the inimitable Stefani, who was so upset about the Michael Jackson Glee episode that she threatened us with actual bodily harm.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS FUCK ARTICLE ABOUT? STUPID ASSFUCKER IMMA KILL AND SMASH YO ASS AND EAT IT!

Given that the charming Stefani seems to believe that ‘assfucker’ is a biting insult, we’re surprised to see that she would be absolutely fine with eating the anus of our writer. Then again, Michael Jackson fans will do anything to imitate their spiritual leader Uri Geller.

That’s it for this week, folks. We hope you’ve enjoyed this sickening display of fatuousness and we’ll leave you with this:

I think this is a real great blog. Keep writing.

Just kidding, we’ll actually leave you with this:

Fuck you – you little tick terd. You’re a shithead like your buddy Stuart.

‘Til next week, you piss-stains.

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It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. [...]

Do you hate everything yet? Do you wake up angry, in cold sweats thinking “this is all just terrible. We have one chance at a viable, enjoyable life and yet the culture we digest is diluted, spoon-fed nonsense with people who are inexplicably famous, we should be worth far more than this” and then carve “4REAL” into your arm?

No? Well, here’s some news.

The Only Way is Essex (sigh) star (double sigh) Mark Wright is going to be included in an artform enjoyed by Kirk Douglas and Robert DeNiro as the boyfriend of Kelly Brook’s character in a film with Danny Dyer and oh don’t you just want to shoot people now?

We can only hazard guesses, but it’s probably safe to say that this news is about as welcome to the world of cinema as ZZ Top at a Leukaemia convention. Remember actors? They would act in things, and people who weren’t actors didn’t?

Mark Wright was quoted as saying literally nothing of value about the film, in which he stars with hard man – if hard man constitutes as someone who looks like too much of a bed-wetter to do PR for Coldplay (and UFO enthusiast) – Danny Dyer, who has a fantastic record in cinema, doesn’t he?

Christ.

“Insiders” have mentioned that Wright is trying to drop his Essex accent to have a crack at Hollywood, which shouldn’t even be worth saying, really, because “speaking differently” and “playing a character who isn’t you” is called “acting”. “Speech marks”.

Wright’s publicist, or “Talky Word Man”, said:

“He loves The Business and Football Factory, so it’s a dream for him to work with Danny and Tamar. Add Kelly into the mix, he’s made up.”

Maybe this is proof that you can achieve anything if you’re a moron.

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Do you hate everything yet? Do you wake up angry, in cold sweats thinking "this is all just terrible. We have one chance at a viable, enjoyable life and yet the culture we digest is diluted, spoon-fed nonsense with people who are inexplicably famous, we should be worth far more than this" and then carve "4REAL" into your arm?

Women! When you’ve stopped complaining about the negative, overtly sexual images of women in media, which breed an unrealistic body-ideal in young girls, we’d like to point you in the direction of David Beckham in his underpants.

See, ol’ GoldenNads has done a photoshoot for some undercrackers he’s flogging through dreary clothing bazaar, H&M.

A number of women have stopped worrying about the patriarchy long enough to admire Beckham’s bulge and sigh with feint arousal everytime they see it. So what does David have to say about it? Well, it doesn’t involve stuffing but it does involve his daughter.

While womenfolk rail against the appearance of naked girls in print, they simultaneously objectify men like there ain’t a thing to it. The gays of the world objectify everything because they’re brilliant at it and make no apology about it.

For straighty woman though, there’s this confusion over whether or not its okay to lust after a half-naked human. The selling of female flesh by the pound is bad, but musing on whether Becks’ stuffs his package is completely fine.

And on that score, Beckham has proudly proclaimed that he has never stuffed his pants to make his manhood look bigger.

Referring to comedian James Corden – who parodied him in a shoot, who admitted to stuffing socks in the underwear – David said:

“I’ve never, ever done a James and padded out my pants, or shoved socks down there though. I’ve never had to for any of the photoshoots I’ve done because, hopefully, I don’t need to. Well, let’s just say I’ve been told I don’t need any help in that department. I think I’m pretty OK!”

Of course, there’ll be women dribbling down their blouses at the thought of a massive schlong hiding behind those briefs. However, if you have half a brain, you’ll note that, in Beckham’s shots, his gruds appear to be filled with 90% balls. Does that mean Beckham has a genital region that looks like a jug spout grafted onto a hot-air balloon?

Either way, ol’ Davey B wasn’t finished talking about underwear. He’s quite the raconteur you know?

“Victoria loves me in long johns. I like wearing the normal, short briefs but she reckons she likes me better wearing the long johns! She makes me wear them around the house. But that’s OK because they’re comfortable and keep you warm.”

Frost/Nixon, eat your heart out.

And still he wasn’t finished! No, he wanted to talk about the fact that his daughter should be thoroughly ashamed of the naked human body. Talking about how he used to walk around his house naked, he said:

“My naked days are over. I definitely walk around the house in my underwear. But not naked. With the boys it’s not a problem because they’re naked all the time but with a little girl now, it is different.”

There you go. Instill that little girl with a sense of shame from the off Dave! Go you! Still, at least she’ll grow up thinking that the human body is something to be hidden, unless you’re displaying your ballbag to the world in a series of lucrative advertisements, eh?

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Women! When you’ve stopped complaining about the negative, overtly sexual images of women in media, which breed an unrealistic body-ideal in young girls, we’d like to point you in the direction of David Beckham in his underpants. See, ol’ GoldenNads has done a photoshoot for some undercrackers he’s flogging through dreary clothing bazaar, H&M. A [...]

Remember when Janet Jackson invented the term ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at the Super Bowl? That was good wasn’t it? In the old days, it was just called ‘flashing’ or ‘exposing yourself’, which is clearly what happened, but Janet’s people had to pretend it was an accident.

Well, people are a little nervous of a nipple being shown at the Super Bowl halftime show this year, mainly because no-one in their right mind wants to see Madonna’s rock-hard gym-sculpted banger on view, all sinew and veins.

And mercifully, she’s promised that this won’t be happening.

Madonna says that all efforts have been made to ensure that she won’t be exposing a nork to the biggest television audience in the world.

Lucky really because, it hasn’t escaped our attention that she’s slowly turning into Iggy Pop with each passing year.

“Great attention to detail has been paid to my wardrobe, there will be no wardrobe malfunction – I promise”.

There’s a lot riding on this for Madge and she admits that she’s feeling the pressure of performing at the Super Bowl. And it really is a gigantic audience. Last year’s Super Bowl bagged itself 111 million in the US.

“This is a Midwesterner girls dream to be performing at the Super Bowl half-time show”

“In over 25 years of performing that I’ve done, I have never worked so hard or been so scrupulous or detail-orientated or freaked out.”

And here’s a preview of Madonna’s new video for her new single, ‘Give Me Your Luvin” which features American Footballers and stuff!

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Remember when Janet Jackson invented the term ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at the Super Bowl? That was good wasn’t it? In the old days, it was just called ‘flashing’ or ‘exposing yourself’, which is clearly what happened, but Janet’s people had to pretend it was an accident. Well, people are a little nervous of a nipple being [...]

Harry Potter star, Harry Potter (or, Daniel Radcliffe as his mum refers to him when she’s shouting abuse up the stairs) is a wimp of the highest order. Why? Because wickle Dan Dan can’t handle his ale.

And he’s proud to admit it.

Apparently, Radcliffe had a drink problem. The problem was that, every single stinkin’ time he drank some lovely booze, he’d ‘black out’. Get that! He didn’t pass out a few times. He blacked out so frequently it became ‘his thing’. What a wimp. He probably passes out after eating those horrible chocolates with liqueurs inside them.

When asked if he had ‘fun drunken nights out’ before giving up alcohol in August 2010, Radcliffe said:

“Yeah, but I can’t remember them. Seriously, in the last three years of drinking I blacked out nearly every time. Blacking out was my thing.”

This reeks of someone wanting to paste an edge onto themselves doesn’t it? When lacking in personality, get yourself a problem. It’s definitely a thing – just look at half of twitter pretending to be socially awkward.

And Radcliffe’s problems didn’t end there. He was so concerned with his behaviour when he’d been having a nice glug that he became ‘a recluse at 20’, drinking alone at home like a sad old soak.

‘The drinking was unhealthy and damaging to my body and my social life. That’s beyond question… I was living in constant fear of who I’d meet, what I might have said to them, what I might have done with them, so I’d stay in my apartment for days and drink alone.”

“I was a recluse at 20. It was pathetic – it wasn’t me. I’m a fun, polite person and it turned me into a rude bore. For a long time people were saying to me, “We think you have a problem,” but in the end I had to come to the realisation myself.”

And so, what did Daniel do? He talked to Gary Oldman of course!

“I did talk to him about it once. I didn’t say I had a problem -–because I didn’t think I did at that point – but I told him I shared that mentality he had for actively seeking out chaos.”

“He just said, “You can’t keep doing this. You’ve got too much to lose”. And that really went in. But not even he could have stopped me alone – I had to stop myself.”

“And stopping has shown me a world of happiness that I didn’t think was possible.”

Gah. Sounds like someone’s about to find religion, doesn’t it? Still, America will love this chat, mainly because they’ve got a gigantic problem with those who take a little refreshment on a night out.

Meanwhile, Europe raises a glass like a massive tough guy.

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Harry Potter star, Harry Potter (or, Daniel Radcliffe as his mum refers to him when she’s shouting abuse up the stairs) is a wimp of the highest order. Why? Because wickle Dan Dan can’t handle his ale. And he’s proud to admit it. Apparently, Radcliffe had a drink problem. The problem was that, every single [...]

Super Bowl Sunday is nearly upon us, leaving 99.9% of the Great British public absolutely nonplussed. The remaining 1% is made entirely of 3 super fans and a host of the curious. Still, that shouldn’t stop us looking at it.

See, the Super Bowl is one of the most peculiar events on the planet. It’s probably the biggest sporting event that is honest enough to let-on that, basically, the game itself is the least important element of it.

And there’s so much else to pick at. The commercials are a big talking point, not to mention the halftime show (this year, featuring Madonna). One of the best things about American events is the need to sing the awful and saccharine National Anthem. With that, we are going to look at some of the worst renditions of the Star Spangled Banner, EVER.

There’s a long, long history of people ballsing up the American national anthem, with some more notable than others. With Kelly Clarkson performing the 2012 Super Bowl anthem, we can only hope she accidentally shouts “BIN LADEN!” or something during the middle of it.

Mainly because we like furore in all forms.

Anyway, let us look at the worst national anthems. We’ve invariably missed your favourite, so you should leave a comment with a link to your most loved car-crash.

Here’s ours.

Michael Bolton

Check out the massive error and resulting gun-fingers! Not to mention the odd delay which makes Michael Bolton sound like he’s singing from inside a robot’s wang. LOVELY!

Steven Tyler

Check out what he changes the last words to. What a gargantuan penis.

BEST NATIONAL ANTHEM BALLS UP EVER

The poor lass singing at what appears to be a Canadian hockey match (so why the USA anthem?) repeatedly forgets the words, goes to get a print-out of them and then falls flat on her backside. Amazing.

Christina Aguilera

Xtina’s famous flub which only works if you know the words to the American anthem.

Marvin Gaye

Hey! You know what the Star Spangled Banner has always been missing? Some cocaine fueled sex vibes!

Roseanne Barr

Roseanne can’t sing. She didn’t let that stop her. Few got the joke.

Carl Lewis

Carl Lewis is one of the most gifted athletes ever. Alas, when it comes to singing, he’s more like Wesley Willis. He chickens out on a big note after making one of the most ghastly noises on the planet, prior.

And finally…

Whitney Houston

Okay. If you want to knock it out of the park, then Whitney back in ’91 gives everyone an absolute masterclass in pomp and circumstance. THIS is how you tart up an anthem!

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Super Bowl Sunday is nearly upon us, leaving 99.9% of the Great British public absolutely nonplussed. The remaining 1% is made entirely of 3 super fans and a host of the curious. Still, that shouldn't stop us looking at it.

People of the World, spice up your life, as Madhur Jaffrey advised us. And now, ladies, spicing up your life is even easier, because singer/author/actress/thin Geri Halliwell has finally done what everyone presumed she would have done years ago and released a range of clothes inspired by the iconic Union Jack dress she popped out of during the ’98 Brit Awards.

Peddling her wares through Next, she is hoping to capitalise on a bumper year for angry British men, uniting British pride through the Olympics (where the Union Jack will be more common than people complaining about traffic and foreigners), raising the profile of the Spice Girls, who will allegedly appear at the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee (groan) and the upcoming race for the best beachwear on the High Street.

Sounds dreadful doesn’t it?

Geri even admitted how conniving she’s been by creating a range centred on one of the most iconic British images of the past 50 years.

“I think this dress has definitely become iconic and I’m proud to say that – and equally it celebrated Britain and I can’t think of a better time to celebrate Britain. We’ve got the Olympic Games, we’ve got the Diamond Jubilee – we have a lot to feel good about. And I think really wearing something with a Union Jack on really is showing how proud we are to be British. I think it’s time we fly the flag with real pride, so I’m very excited.”

Remember, just before Bob Peck was ripped apart by velociraptors in Jurassic Park, and he said “clever girl”? He wasn’t talking about his impending doom, he was talking about Geri Halliwell.

There’s five separate designs available, incorporating an awful looking bikini, an alright looking maxi dress and an updated, not slaggy looking version of the dress she wore at the Brit Awards, with a nifty cowl neck and sequins added.

God that was a little bit Vogue wasn’t it?

In reparation for that, have these instead: poo, bum, wee, willy, front fanny and something to make your Friday start with a, what’s less than a bang? A rhythm?

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People of the World, spice up your life, as Madhur Jaffrey advised us. And now, ladies, spicing up your life is even easier, because singer/author/actress/thin Geri Halliwell has finally done what everyone presumed she would have done years ago and released a range of clothes inspired by the iconic Union Jack dress she popped out [...]

Pop promos! More of them! There’s always new music being made. This is, of course, a good thing. It’s also a really, truly awful thing. Some records come out and you just think ‘why did you bother?’

Fame and fortune await the few, for the majority will forever be destined to be loved by the faithful dozen who, regrettably for the bands concerned, are not good looking enough to warrant regular sex.

And so, here’s the new releases.

This is what the world of the singles chart looks like from inside a boredom vacuum, except that none of these songs will probably ever glance the chart.

You decide whether that’s a good or bad thing.

And you’ve probably heard of Cloud Nothings. They’re one of those bands that people talk about for the sake of tirelessly opening and closing their idiot faces. We think they probably liked ‘grunge’ when growing up and still wear stonewash jeans. However, unlike their grunge peers, this lot have already sold out to The Man, who is in this case, is Urban Outfitters.

Yes, that pretentiously bad video was something to do with the idea that ‘we want you all to think we’ve been to art school’, when really, it looks like that bad scene in Gladiator where they make Russell Crowe float through some corn fields and into Rome.

Speaking of ’90s revivalism, here’s a really crap advert signalling the return of Garbage.

Fighting the status quo of the cultural cataclysm that is New Boring is the one and only original Old Boring. That’s right! Feeder are back again with their impressively awful lyrics and archetypal quiet-loud dross.

Away from all that ninetiesness, the ‘Him’ of unpopular tweetards ‘She and Him’ has made some music. You want to hate it and why wouldn’t you? He wears sunglasses and suits and more importantly he’s friends with retro edition Barbie Zooey Deschanel.

Sadly he got someone infinitely cooler than himself, a man called Joe Trussell, to animate the video for him and it looks  just great.

Now sod off.

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Pop promos! More of them! There's always new music being made. This is, of course, a good thing. It's also a really, truly awful thing. Some records come out and you just think 'why did you bother?'

Imagine being Gwyneth Paltrow. Awful isn’t it? All that self-serving hippie-dippy nonsense floating around your head telling you how wonderfully wonderful you are. All the while, Chris Martin gazes at you lovingly like a kindly priest longing after a crumpet.

BLECCH.

Never mind that though because we’re interested in pain! Paltrow’s pain specifically! So join us now in a game of WHO CHEATED ON GWYNETH PALTROW AND CAN YOU BLAME THEM?

During a recent interview (who honestly cares who with), Gwyneth decided to open up about her love life, and dropped a tidbit for everyone to get vaguely excited about.

She said:

“I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time.”

OOOOH! Cheating! We love cheating! Have you seen Cheaters? Have you seen the one where presenter Joey Greco gets stabbed? It’s brilliant.

Anyway, Gwyn continued:

“I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story.”

A cellular level. Got it. She wasn’t finished though. She continued, talking about cheating in general:

“I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”

Yeah, whatever. We don’t care about your views on cheating! We want to know who kept having it off with other people behind your back!

Of course, it can’t be Chris Martin because he’s not an ex (he’s a current, unless we’ve missed a gigantic story/opportunity to really mock someone’s pain). And so, we look to people she’s stepped out with.

Hello Ben Affleck, Luke Wilson and Brad Pitt. We’re looking dead-on at you and deciding which one we trust the least. Or indeed, deciding which one of you we assume couldn’t bear to listen to Gwyneth Paltrow’s meek sex-noises and such.

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Imagine being Gwyneth Paltrow. Awful isn’t it? All that self-serving hippie-dippy nonsense floating around your head telling you how wonderfully wonderful you are. All the while, Chris Martin gazes at you lovingly like a kindly priest longing after a crumpet. BLECCH. Never mind that though because we’re interested in pain! Paltrow’s pain specifically! So join us [...]

You may think the Super Bowl is all about a sporting event, but you’re wrong. It’s all about television and, specifically, the adverts that litter the game. American Football is the perfect sport for the advertising exec.

Why?

Well, not only is America filled with vain, greedy sporting superstars who are willing to shill to the highest bidder, but American Football is also filled with stop/start action and, for every stop, there’s a chance for a television advert. To many, the commercials are the whole reason for tuning in. IMAGINE! Anyway, if you can’t be bother with all that sport cluttering up a perfectly good break, here’s the ten best Super Bowl big game commercials.

It’s worth pointing out that, 2012 is a weird Super Bowl year. Away from the game, this year sees most of the big match commercials being put online prior to the game, which kinda takes out the surprise element which made the ads worth tuning in for.

Either way, they’re a talking point again, which will be good news to dead-hearted advertisers, who have all spent gigantic amounts of money for their precious 30 seconds of airtime.

Of course, if you live in the UK, you won’t see any of these because the Super Bowl is shown on the BBC, which doesn’t have commercials, so expect near endless punditry.

Anyway, here’s the ten best commercials.

The Seinfeld One

The One With Curtains Made From Pizza

The One Where A Woman Assaults A Man

The Star Wars One

The Awful Ferris Bueller One

The David Beckham In His Underpants One

The One Where The Bloke Nearly Dies

The One With The Man Who Has A Singing Shoulder

The One With A Vampire Party

The One With A Car Full Of Dogs

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You may think the Super Bowl is all about a sporting event, but you're wrong. It's all about television and, specifically, the adverts that litter the game. American Football is the perfect sport for the advertising exec.

And now, some news that should leave you feeling utterly confused and unsure of how to feel. Basically, this will either sadden you or make you wonder whether you should give the slightest shit about it all. And it involves Nick and Aaron Carter.

The rub is this: Leslie Carter, the sister of Aaron Carter and former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, has died in upstate New York aged 25 years old.

What gives?

A publicist for the Carter family confirmed the young woman’s death, but provided no details Wednesday on where or how she died.

A statement from the family says they’re grieving for Carter and requested “the utmost privacy.”

Leslie of course, released a single called ‘Like Wow’ which was on the soundtrack for ‘Shrek’ and of course, she was a star of the reality show ‘House of Carters.’

That all taken into account, we’ve no idea how to react to this.

Basically, Leslie Carter is a veritable nobody, so we really shouldn’t care. However, she’s a dead 25 year old woman, which is pretty dreadful, however she died.

So what are we supposed to do? If word gets out it was drugs or drink or, indeed, a sexual misadventure, we can assume the position of ‘Haw! Haw! How very funny!‘ but if it transpires that she died of something upsetting, then we’ll have to wring our hands and work out whether she’s important enough to feign upset over.

This is all very inconsiderate of the Carter family. We’re aware that they’re grieving, but really, they should’ve thought of us lot first.

We simply don’t know what to do.

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And now, some news that should leave you feeling utterly confused and unsure of how to feel. Basically, this will either sadden you or make you wonder whether you should give the slightest shit about it all. And it involves Nick and Aaron Carter.

Nicki Minaj is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to become the most gifted, yet irritatingly wasteful popstar who ever lived. Her guest-raps have been a thing of wonderful, but when it comes to her own back-catalogue, she’s determined to make the most annoying pop music ever made.

Seriously. She’s taken Daphne & Celeste’s blueprint and cracked it to 11 and added some push-up bras and kooky wigs.

And now, her latest offering – ‘Stupid Hoe’ – is getting banned by everyone because it is so very, very grating. Fancy a listen? Click over…

The video for ‘Stupid Hoe’ (or ‘Stupid Stupid’ if you’re listening to the edited, radio-friendly version) is the usual bubblegum Grace Jones schtick, with Minaj batting her eyelashes like a prom queen, as well as the typical post-GaGa ‘unusual make-up’ thing.

So far, so Minaj-by-numbers.

However, the song itself lacks the synth-wizz that adorns 99% of pop-tracks currently. Instead, she’s gone for a sparse drum-machine, basskick number, complete with a ‘woopwoop’ noise that is more irritating that a thousand toddlers vying for your attention.

Essentially, listening to a Nicki Minaj record allows you to feel the unswerving anguish of being a teacher at a kindergarten.

And so, forget all that obvious talent she’s got and get your ears round this. You may titter at some of her lyrics (especially those concerning Roman Polanski and Michael Jackson), but alas, you may never even get to them as you hack at your ears with a stapler in a bid to make it all end.

LUCKY YOU! ENJOY! ETC!

Nicki Minaj is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to become the most gifted, yet irritatingly wasteful popstar who ever lived. Her guest-raps have been a thing of wonderful, but when it comes to her own back-catalogue, she’s determined to make the most annoying pop music ever made. Seriously. She’s taken Daphne & [...]

Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself.

Git.

And now, after getting her freckled neck hoiked by the police a few too many times, she’s laying off the sauce – the same sauce that is a attributable to so much of her success (in getting column inches at least). While trouble may not have left her, she’s angry that people are saying she’s been getting stuck in to that lovely, lovely booze (the only real replacement for love).

This has all come about after some bozos decided to run a bunch of stories saying that she was absolutely getting hammered at a SAG Awards after party this weekend.

Do these fools not know that, if you make claims like that about someone who can’t enjoy drink or drugs anymore, the thing they’ll replace it with is a will to sue?

And that’s exactly what’s happening. LiLo is threatening to sue the media outlets that published the story in the first place.

A source close to the actress tells TMZ that Lindsay is already exploring her legal options with her attorneys because she feels the false stories are sabotaging her effort to save her career. And her liver.

Of course, she was at the party at the Chateau Marmot hotel in Hollywood Sunday night, but alas, she was sitting with Alan Cummings which makes a difference for some reason. Maybe he dry-heaves at the sight of women drinking pints? Maybe he’s so enchanting that no-one ever drinks in his presence because they can’t tear themselves away from his rapier wit?

WAIT. THERE’S MORE.

Lindsay is also cheesed off that reports suggested that she made-out with Dennis Hopper’s son Henry. Where did this apparently take place? In a petrol station. Lovely stuff.

Sadly, as much as we want that to be true, she’s saying it isn’t.

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Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself. Git. And now, after getting [...]

Ah the Super Bowl, the pinnacle of sporting exuberance and over celebration. And as it’s Super Bowl (or Superb Owl if you prefer), we’ll be running a series of specials to whet your whistles. In the words of Stanley Ralph Ross, so immortalised by Jim McKay “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”. 

The unfortunate truth about the Super Bowl is that a large proportion of them have been crap, crap, one-sided affairs that were not so much the ultimate gladiatorial fight that is often portrayed, but more like that bit in Raiders of the Lost Arc where Indiana just shoots the sword wielding guy.

Anyways, regardless of the final outcome there have been some very good individual moments from the Super Bowl, here’s the best top 10 Super Bowl moments your stupid eyes will ever see.

10. Marcus Allen shreds the Washington Redskins defence (Super Bowl XVIII)

If you’re a fan of the Redskins, this’ll hurt. Watching the then defending Super Bowl champions get smothered by Tom Flores’ Los Angeles Raiders, is painful, watching Marcus Allen make patsies of the ‘skins defence is excruciating. Redskins fans are still waiting for the day that they watch this replay and, magically, Darrell Green catches Allen. One day.

9. Montana to Taylor (Super Bowl XXIII)

Super Bowl XXIII was one of those rare Super Bowls that wasn’t a total crock, it featured a cagey first half with the teams trading field goals and brutal injuries (a broken ankle for the Niners, a shattered leg for the Bengals), but it was Stanford Jennings kick-off return for a touchdown for the Bengals that lit the touch paper on this classic. Eventually it was Joe Cool and the 49ers that prevailed with a 92 yard drive culminating in the game winning touchdown to John Taylor to capture the Niners first Super Bowl for 4 years.

8. Roethlisberger to Holmes/Rambling Madman (Super Bowl XLIII)

Fuck the Steelers. The current Pittsburgh team is home to two of the most unlikeable players in NFL history. First, there’s Ben Roethlisberger who was a botched police report away from a rape charge (that’s 3 he’s dodged now if you’re keeping count) and homophobic idiot James Harrison. Begrudgingly these two plays are very good, Roethlisberger threads the ball between three cardinals defenders to Holmes who makes a balletic catch whilst falling out of bounds to win the game; and perhaps most impressively, Harrison intercepts Kurt Warner at the goal line and returns it 100 yards for the score, everybody likes to watch fat people running so this was like poetry in motion.

7. Wide Right (Super Bowl XXV)

The Buffalo Bills of the late 80s/early 90s were a joy to behold; with Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas running the high octane “K-Gun” offense and hall of fame quarterback destroyer Bruce Smith powering the defence. They marched to an improbable 4 straight Super Bowls, and more improbably, lost them all. The first was the most heart breaking of all with Scott Norwood’s last minute 47 yard field goal sailing wide right sealing a 20-19 victory for the New York Giants, the closest margin of victory in any Super Bowl.

6. Redemption For New Orleans (Super Bowl XLIV)

When hurricane Katrina battered the city of New Orleans in 2005 the super dome became a shelter for hundreds of homeless. In the aftermath the city felt let down by the federal government and the Saints themselves had to play in San Antonio for the 2005 season, when they returned to the super dome in 2006 the city took on the team as a beacon of hope for renewal, it was the start of a drive of city and team that culminated with a win in Super Bowl XLIV

5. Doug Williams Vs. The Broncos (Super Bowl XXII)

When the John Elway-led Denver Broncos took a 10-0 lead at the end of the first quarter with Washington quarterback Doug Williams injured on the side-lines, things looked grim for the ‘skins; no team had ever overcome more than a 10 point margin, but when Williams returned for the ‘skins first drive of the second quarter, the game was turned on its head. Williams threw touchdowns to Gary Clark, Clint Didier and two to Ricky Sanders to blow the Bronocos out the game and become the first (and so far only) African-American quarterback to win a Super Bowl.

4. The Tackle (Super Bowl XXXIV)

The ’99 St. Louis Rams have gone down in history as one of the most explosive, high powered offensives in NFL History. The so-called ‘Greatest Show on Turf’ could outscore anyone with the quadruple threat of QB Kurt Warner (that season’s league MVP), RB Marshall Faulk and WR’s Isaac Bruce & Torry Holt, but it was a defensive play that was required to overcome the Steve McNair led Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV. The image of Kevin Dyson with ball outstretched failing to reach the end zone is one of the most iconic in Super Bowl history, with the tackler, Mike Jones, whose career was otherwise undistinguished would go down as the NFL equivalent of a ‘one hit wonder’

3. 70 Chip (Super Bowl XVII)

John Riggins is a folk legend. A beast of a running back, ‘The Diesel’ smashed through defences for 14 years on his way to the Hall of Fame, but that was all secondary with Riggo, ‘cos he’s one of the greatest characters the game has ever spit out.

No other player has ever told supreme court justice Sandra Day O’Conner to “lighten up Sandy baby”, Or decided to sit out a year to go fishing and hunting. But it was his 43 yard run into super bowl history that was his finest moment. Facing 4th and 1 at the Miami 43, Joe Gibbs called I-Right 70 Chip, Riggins took the hand-off, made the edge and swotted away Don McNeal who desperately grasped for Riggins jersey in vain. The Dolphins learned that once cranked up, you couldn’t stop The Diesel.

2. The Guarantee (Super Bowl III)

When the two rival leagues, the National Football League and the American Football League agreed to play a season end championship game starting in ’67, no-one gave the upstart AFL a chance against the big boy NFL, and the first two super bowls were NFL victories, Super Bowl III pitted the NFL’s Baltimore Colts against the AFL’s New York Jets. New York, led by ‘Broadway’ Joe Namath had ideas on an upset. The cocksure, fashionable playboy Namath went one step further, proclaiming “We’re gonna win the game. I guarantee it”, the world scoffed, but after time expired it was Namath and the Jets who had the last laugh, defeating the Colts 16-7, and the image of Namath walking off the field wagging his finger is no doubt the most indelible image from any super bowl

1. ‘The Catch’ (Super Bowl XLII)

Super Bowl XLII was meant to be a capper on a perfect season for the New England Patriots, they had simply smashed every single opponent on route to an unprecedented 18-0 record (the only undefeated team in history the ‘72 Dolphins finished 12-0 and won’t shut the fuck up about it). Only the New York Giants and their oft criticised, always derp-faced quarterback Eli Manning stood between the ‘Pats and history. Well that’s not true, the Giants defence is what really stood between the two, sacking Ugg-shilling-Mr-Gisele-Bundchen Tom Brady 4 times and harassing him all game, still the Giants couldn’t put it together on offense, until Eli Manning got swallowed by the Pats defence, and somehow came out the other side, heaving the ball up for David Tyree to haul in with the most improbable catch ever seen, the ball seemingly velcroed to his helmet. After that it seemed fated that Manning would hit Plaxico Burress for the game winner.

This was a guest post by strong-arm Dan Cabble who has been enjoying unpopular culture for well over a decade now. Find him whining here.

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Ah the Super Bowl, the pinnacle of sporting exuberance and over celebration. And as it’s Super Bowl (or Superb Owl if you prefer), we’ll be running a series of specials to whet your whistles. In the words of Stanley Ralph Ross, so immortalised by Jim McKay “The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat”.  The [...]

Films. Movies. Whatever you call them, they are still being released. They’re always being released. They’ll never stop being released. Surely, at some point, we’ll reach a time when we’ve got enough films. We only need so many, right?

Anyway, until then, we’ve got to look at the newest flicks that are coming out. You can almost smell the stale popcorn.

So, here’s what the week in film trailers looks like for those of you who are hearing and/or visually impaired we’re doing the dirty work so you don’t have to.

Now if you’re still one of the poor serfs who has Spotify or television adverts in your life then you will have been numbed by the incessant marketing of a film called Chronicle.

You’ll all be delighted to know this is coming to an end as the film is out tomorrow, but here it is one more time just to make sure you never go and watch it.

What’s that? Douche-bag school kids who probably say things like douche-bag all the time and a ‘found’ film? Either way, these bozos have super powers and one of them goes a little bit psycho. They listen to, sing, and enjoy Jessie J and then they have the nerve to ask us what we’re capable of. Well we’re capable of not watching this movie that’s for sure.

This on the other hand we don’t even really want to discuss, but before you watch it we want to devastate you with the news that you will soon be witnessing Al Pacino starring as himself in Adam Sandler’s ‘The Death of Comedy’ where he plays his own twin sister. Eddie Murphy must be furious.

Eurgh.

More odd is that here’s a trailer for a good film for you! Well, it looks good at any rate. See? We’re not wholly negative goons.

HA! We made you watch one of the Olsen sisters act. She’s not on crack though and she doesn’t have an eating disorder so it’s all looking up for Martha Marcy May Marlene. Plus it has John Hawkes, who is the most underrated actor of a generation and Brady Corbet who is hot stuff for you members of the population who can’t watch a film unless it has good abs and hair being flaunted for at least 45 minutes.

Okay, you’re going to want to ready yourselves for the next one, it’s by Jason Reitman and Diablo ‘used to be a whore in practice now just in your thoughts’ Cody.

On a level of your new favourite movie to totally crapping twee how good/awful does that look?

Charlize Theron was good as an ugly serial killer in that film that was about the ugly serial killer, but she’s much better as a smoking hot grade a bitch.

Now go to the cinema and stop bothering us.

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Films. Movies. Whatever you call them, they are still being released. They’re always being released. They’ll never stop being released. Surely, at some point, we’ll reach a time when we’ve got enough films. We only need so many, right? Anyway, until then, we’ve got to look at the newest flicks that are coming out. You [...]

Eamonn Holmes is a man famed for the legendary status of his gargantuan gob.

Not only is it capable of producing more crap than his backside on a day-to-day basis, but when it isn’t spewing verbal sewage it’s being stuffed with all manner of deep-fried goodies.

Well, let’s hope Eamonn has deep-fried his foot after he managed to, once again, get it firmly lodged between his gums during an interview on This Morning.

Holmboy was interviewing a woman who was described as a, “sex addict,” or slag as they’re oft’ known in certain parts of Essex, when he dared to ask her:

“If you need this five or six times a day, have you never thought about making a business of it? Charging for it?”

Taxi for Holmes.

It transpires that sex addicts don’t like it when you ask them why they don’t just become prostitutes, because apparently they’re people too.

Albeit people who like to blame their socially blossoming genitalia on an addiction, in the hope that people will feel sorry for them as opposed to questioning how many STIs they have or asking them if they’ve ever considered becoming a prostitute live on daytime TV.

THIS IS SERIOUS DAMMIT, STOP LAUGHING!

Oh, you weren’t?

The bonking bonkers lady in question, Crystal Warren, curtly told Uncle Eamonn that she didn’t want to go on the game because:

“Then it becomes a business, then I become maybe like a robot. This way I am enjoying it, I do it when I want to do it, I get to choose who I sleep with.”

It’s the business side of prostitution that’s definitely the worst part of it, after all, who really knows how you go about claiming condoms as a tax-deductible expense?

Seriously. HMRC wouldn’t return our calls.

Eamonn Holmes is a man famed for the legendary status of his gargantuan gob. Not only is it capable of producing more crap than his backside on a day-to-day basis, but when it isn’t spewing verbal sewage it’s being stuffed with all manner of deep-fried goodies. Well, let’s hope Eamonn has deep-fried his foot after [...]

Here at hecklerspray we like nothing more than the cold icy crevasse of hard work. Seriously, we don’t even whistle whilst. It really is like we are the cogs in the grinding mechanism of a distribution machine in the factory of universal contribution.

The endearing, eccentric Rhys Ifans kind of ones, obv.

But no, we really appreciate the hard grievous labour of the world of work. Well, we were like that, until we logged on to Twitter, and were immediately diagnosed with the mostly symptomless but ultimately very aggressive form of LOL Addiction that is!

And TALKING of humiliating, here are the top celebrity ailments that have subsequently been ailing US all bloody week.

LanaDelRey Lana Del Rey

The album Born To Die is available now on iTunes worldwide:smarturl.it/LanaAlbumiTunes xxx LDR xxx

—-

Hey Lana,

There’s absolutely nothing we can do about that apart from not buy it and try and ignore as much press surrounding it as possible. AT LEAST let us do that for you. Bubz. Oh, sorry – you think the woman who awards herself the pseudonym of ‘The Gangsta Nancy Sinatra’ doesn’t want to be universally ignored? Well, we assume you also buy 1% milk and think it’s really great when people tell you the weight of their newborn children though, so I guess we should have seen that coming.

So, Lana – like we said, it’s out there now. Now, we’re not saying it’s a mistake – but what is important to learn here, is that we all learn from our mistakes, and mistakes are part of the human condition. We’re sure you already know that. We’re sure you ironically own all of the Dalai Lama’s books already. Maybe use this time of reflection to have a look through one of those. Surely there are more pressing matters for you at the moment anyway?

LanaDelRey Lana Del Rey

Right, just bearing in mind that I’m Lana Del Ray, David Sneddon’s Stop Living the Lie isn’t really as mellifluously challenging as I was hoping it would be.  :( xxx LDR xxx

Mmm-hmm.

DJFlash4eva Grandmaster Flash

I’m in a Berlin Hotel Apt in Germany headed for thesupermarket –Imm shopping by PICTURES can’t read the label LMAO AWMANGRANDMASTERFLASH. Hi Grandmaster Flash! (It’s Grandmaster Flash!) Dear Grandmaster Flash, If you’re in emotional turmoil, where the hell are we supposed to go? Being in foreign places can of course be difficult. And we’re not just talking about the SUPERMARKET! (HAHAHAHAHA! Don’t tell Russell Howard that one, we’re in ruins enough as it is.) No, of course – we’re talking about Germany. Bloody, incomprehensible Germany.  In times such as these, Grandmaster, Mr Flash sir, we firmly suggest the words that we once learnt from an ancient Chinese proverb (that we saw in that slightly racist bit in Freaky Friday.) which is so: “A journey soon begins it’s prize, reflected through another’s eyes, when what you see is what you lack, then selfless love will turn you back.”Basically Mr Flash, your hip-hop highness, sir – is that you take it upon YOURSELF to get yourself through your own problems. Here are some of the lyrics from The Message (We’re big fans) that we believe might be just the ticket on this one. “It’s like a jungle sometimes.” See? It really is, G. It really is.

KimKardashian Kim Kardashian

81 degrees in the winter!?! Gotta love LA

Dear Kim,

Yeah we know, the zany weather, eh? Sometimes we just stand by our kettles continuously boiling water just to see if we can get some sensation back into our joints via osmosis.

Oh, that doesn’t really answer your problem.

TheRealDjCasper DJCASPER

Going on Skype: THEREALDJCASPER add me

Dear DJ Casper,Let us answer that question (of sorts) with another question.

Did you know the year 2000 was 12 years ago?

justinbieber Justin Bieber

got me

Dear Justin Bieber,

We’re not really sure who you are aside from the fact you appear to be the sole propietor and hold all fringe benefit of the word ‘believe’. So we’ll just give you a quick Google and see where we go from there.

–

OH MY GOD YOU’RE LIKE IF GOD HAD A MAGICAL BABY. AT STONEHENGE. AT THE STROKE OF SABBATH. MID-STARSAILOR GIG.

Do people KNOW?

ollyofficial Olly Murs

SERIOUSLY GUTTED this evening!! Just Missed Part 2 ‘BIRDSONG’ on BBC1… #badtimes

Dear Olly,

FOR GOD’S SAKE OLLY. We reminded you ALL. DAY.  And yes, you did miss all the fit birds getting Thumbelina’d up the Alan Whickers, yes. Yes you did before you ask. And all the middle class industrial unease, yes. And no, the jews didn’t ‘win’. We know, we really thought they’d got it in the bag this time too. But you know, some of us invested an hour and a half of our time to find out at least. You really should Sky+ next time before you go out on your bi-weekly evenings out laying down Durex trails for the girls in Nandos wearing trilbys. Although yeah, admittedly that was a very boss Sunday night. But you still.. you know. Be careful, Olly.

ronanofficial Ronan Keating

Last night in the early hours of the morning an empty truck full of bricks ran over a dead cat and nearly killed him

Christ, righto. Erm…

Not really our field, Ronan. Maybe check the Directgov site for care assessment advice? Or, you know, Rolf Harris?

—–

Join us next week, where we solve the ongoing mystery of Kerry Katona’s rapidly diminishing collection of Coco Pops Straws.

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Here at hecklerspray we like nothing more than the cold icy crevasse of hard work. Seriously, we don’t even whistle whilst. It really is like we are the cogs in the grinding mechanism of a distribution machine in the factory of universal contribution. The endearing, eccentric Rhys Ifans kind of ones, obv. But no, we [...]

The big Christmas celeb-story was the Katy Perry/Russell Brand divorce announcement. For tabloids it had everything- she’s a lipstick lesbian and his addictive personality means that there has to be something either up his nose or on his dick at all times.

It’s been the latter for years now which has made him the thinking woman’s sexual predator of choice and a tabloid favourite.

What the tabloids don’t like is not having the sleazy details.

So January had a running commentary of updates and scoops based on almost no information whatsoever.

On the 2nd January, the Daily Mail reported that:

“The comedian is in line for the huge lump sum in a 50/50 split of the couple’s earnings even after just 14 months of marriage.”

Had he expressed the slightest interest in doing this? No, and since he has a perfectly successful career speaking eloquently about grand themes and his ballbag, it is unlikely to happen either.  So what is the story actually telling us? Well the original article, before editing, actually read

“Wen a man and a ladie dont luv each other anymor they have a divorse and sumtimes wun ov them wants half of the things the other one hav. I no sum peepel calld katy and russel and they am getting divorsd.”

On Wednesday The Mirror showed a picture of Russell Brand taking off his wedding ring in a promotional video. You may think it was simply part of a joke about meeting college girls on a forthcoming tour (principally because it was). Think again, you sweet naifs. It could actually mean one of two things because it has caused speculation that

“it either caused the split or they had already parted before it was made”.

They couldn’t even be bothered to decide which story to go with! Maybe one day all newspapers will do this and read like 1980s Fighting Fantasy game books.

“If you think the reason for the recession is the financial policies of the previous Labour government please turn to page 4. If you feel that it is the inevitable result of a profit-driven capitalist system please turn to page 7.”

They could then appeal to everyone’s prejudice and ideology simultaneously and consequently sell more copies!

The Sun inserted their own motive into Perry’s actions when reporting on the 11th January that Katy Perry wasn’t going to attend the People’s Choice show

“as she gets over her split from hubby Russell Brand, where she is nominated for two awards”

(which made it even more impressive when they reported the next day that she had won five).

More award ceremony attendance news could be found on the Daily Mail’s website on the 16th when they reported that Russell Brand had arrived in LA for the Golden Globes and had eaten a meal. Or as they phrased it

“Russell Brand dined alone late last night in Los Angeles while trying to gather his thoughts ahead of a meeting with his estranged wife.”

Presumably they had despatched Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock Holmes to cover the storythrough observation and deduction

“You are eating alone, so are currently single. You have a tan line where you recently removed a wedding ring, probably for a recent promotional video for a forthcoming tour, so the split is permanent. There are remnants of blue hair dye on your trousers so I deduce you were married to pop star fembot Katy Perry who recently cancelled her appearance at the People’s Choice Awards. You have stopped talking about your winkie for ten minutes so must be gathering your thoughts before some kind of stressful meeting, probably with the estranged Katy Perry”.

If using wiki is research for the 21st century, then looking at Twitter is what passes for investigative journalism. So on 21st January with the info-well run truly dry the Mail reported that Perry had ‘unfollowed’ Brand which is surely the most desperate excuse for a story yet.

They also explained how Perry felt about the break-up by using quotes by ‘sources’. Unfortunately the only quote they could attribute to Perry herself was a tweet where she stated that no-one speaks for her. By that she did of course mean no-one aside from journalists and anonymous-definitely-not-made-up journalistic sources.

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The big Christmas celeb-story was the Katy Perry/Russell Brand divorce announcement. For tabloids it had everything- she’s a lipstick lesbian and his addictive personality means that there has to be something either up his nose or on his dick at all times. It’s been the latter for years now which has made him the thinking woman’s [...]

Now it’s time for our weekly stroll through the astrological plane in our frighteningly accurate section called Hecklerscopes.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)

Your mum introduces you to your long lost identical twin. The resemblance is uncanny and all you can think is ‘Christ he’s ugly.’

Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)

You’ll be pleased to know that your girlfriend is NOT sleeping with her workmate. No, she’s sleeping with your workmate.  Sorry.

Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)

You meet someone at the train station today. He’s playing a song for you on a ukulele. He finally stops when you beat him to death with it.

Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)

With Valentine’s Day approaching, now may be a good time to have that facial boil lanced. Even the universe can’t look at you.

Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)

Your girlfriend looks like an angel when she sleeps. Your wife however, looks like a potato. On Friday you start divorce proceedings.

Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)

Every week the planets surprise us and maps out a week of happiness and wealth for one lucky star-sign. It’s Libra. You get eaten by wolves.

Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)

On Thursday you win a staggering amount of money and can finally afford to pay someone to sleep with you! They won’t but it’s still progress.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

It’s a little known fact that Scorpios are four times more likely to need anal surgery than any other star-sign.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

Tell that woman you love her. Go on! She’ll totally reject you in public but at least you’ll have one interesting story to tell your psychiatrist this week.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

Don’t feel too upset, no one could have predicted that man was only after you for your money. Well except us, but where’s the fun in that?

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

The stars care even less about you than we do.  We have no idea what’s going to happen but we can still guarantee it’ll be awful.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

You finally stop smoking this week! You needn’t have bothered, the fags were never going to kill you, it was always going to be that falling piano.

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Now it’s time for our weekly stroll through the astrological plane in our frighteningly accurate section called Hecklerscopes. Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20) Your mum introduces you to your long lost identical twin. The resemblance is uncanny and all you can think is ‘Christ he’s ugly.’ Taurus (Apr 21-May 21) You’ll be pleased to know that your girlfriend [...]