Irma van Straaten

10. The internet has destroyed rock ‘n’ roll says Stevie Nicks. No mention of copious amounts of cocaine. – NY Daily News

9. Did you know that all ducks were wearing dog masks? – Twitpic

8. Hate hipsters? Then this is the blog for you. Especially if you’ve been to Hackney. – Hackney Hipster Hate

7. Remember Marjela Ze Ze Diamond who sang about having sex with bearded men? Well, the parodies and remixes have started and here’s one involving dogs and judo.

6. Like stuff that is new but looks old? Then you’ll love… RetroToGo

5. The very dead but in heaven Lady Diana is releasing a book. Contains the phrase “he got me damper than my own memorial fountain.” – SabotageTimes

4. Nerds! The most used websites in the world in one interactive graphic. – Nmap

3. Tim Vine dismantles BBC News set for shits and giggles – BBC

2. Still hate hipsters? Look at them being miserable in their cold houses – Unhappy Hipsters

1. Criminal simians? The universe folds in on itself as the BBC report about a baboon crimewave. – BBC Video

10. The internet has destroyed rock ‘n’ roll says Stevie Nicks. No mention of copious amounts of cocaine. – NY Daily News 9. Did you know that all ducks were wearing dog masks? – Twitpic 8. Hate hipsters? Then this is the blog for you. Especially if you’ve been to Hackney. – Hackney Hipster Hate 7. Remember Marjela [...]

Today is the day we’ve all been waiting for, Edgar Wright’s latest film Scott Pilgrim vs. The World sees its release today and we couldn’t be more excited.

Well, we could be more excited because we saw the film a couple of weeks ago, we even reviewed it.

The new comic book-based action/comedy film stars our favourite actor and king of expressions Michael Cera as Scott, who must defeat seven evil exes in order to be with the girl of his dreams, literally, Ramona, played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead.

Such is the level of our man crush on Cera that we felt it necessary to bring you his top 10 facial expressions. The emotions he’s showcased that have changed him from obscure Canadian indie actor to Hollywood pin-up. We would have done more, but his people said they’d sue us if we published the calendar we made for the Hecklerspray office.

Let’s get cracking then shall we? Hecklerspray is proud to bring to you, Michael Cera’s top 10 expressions!

10. Anger

Just feel the rage in his eyes.

9. Fear

This is the look of a man who’s just wet himself in fear.

8. Surprise

The panicked look of someone who’s just been walked in on at a bad time.

7. Ecstasy

Cera showing us a serene look of sheer bliss.

6. Lust

Looking a bit more like a sex pest now, leering away.

5. Confusion

“Wait, you want me to ACT!?”

4. Jealousy

“No, Ellen, I really am happy for you.”

3. Regret

Cera has just seen how bad he looked with a mustache in Youth in Revolt.

2. Hope

The wide-eyed, lip trembling hope plastered on Cera’s face shows how optimistic he is that his career hasn’t peaked.

1. Akwardness

The classic Cera pose, as seen in every scene of every film he’s been in.

Today is the day we’ve all been waiting for, Edgar Wright’s latest film Scott Pilgrim vs. The World sees its release today and we couldn’t be more excited. Well, we could be more excited because we saw the film a couple of weeks ago, we even reviewed it. The new comic book-based action/comedy film stars our [...]

The Inbetweeners film, which is bafflingly going to see the light of day, ran in to a bit of bother a while ago in a move that was in no way an exercise in drumming up some interest in the film in a PR exercise.

Remember us telling you about Simon Bird and how he was refusing to appear in the movie unless he got more cash? Well, that’s all history now as he’s signed up to appear in the forthcoming flick.

That’s good news isn’t it? Good news if you’re the kind of dimwit who likes hurhurring at the word ‘clunge’ and watching a group of 46 year old men try and pass themselves off as schoolboys. Honestly. You’d call it ‘grooming’ anywhere else in the world.

Bird is said to have accepted the role after programme makers Young Bwark Productions failed to meet his pay demands and put out a casting call for another actor to play the part of Will McKenzie.

Basically, they showed him his arse and he didn’t like it.

A ubiquitous source said: “The original cast are all back together for the Inbetweeners film and have started work on the movie over in Crete.

“Simon is back on board and everyone’s happy. He had to come back with his tail between his legs when the producers refused to bend over and concede his demands.

“As soon as the call went out for another actor, he decided to do it. Luckily for him, there was still lots of good will on the set and he is brilliant at the part.”

As predicted, The Inbetweeners film will focus on Will’s summer holiday abroad with friends Jay, Simon and Neil and will no doubt feature the insultingly obvious scene where the nerdy one ends up losing it and going wild in a club or something.

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The Inbetweeners film, which is bafflingly going to see the light of day, ran in to a bit of bother a while ago in a move that was in no way an exercise in drumming up some interest in the film in a PR exercise. Remember us telling you about Simon Bird and how he was [...]

Big Brother 11 has finished! And, like a finger poking at an open sore, Ultimate Big Brother dives straight in to keep us all in one of two camps – those that loathe the show and those that don’t watch it. And yet, there’s a few glaring omissions that have vexed some viewers. If this is ultimate, then how about some ultimate housemates?

Of course, BB11 was won by Josie, which on reflection, was a fair result. It would have been nice if Andrew had won, by virtue of the fact that he was a composite of 4 or 5 different likeable lads you knew from school, just like JJ was a composite of everyone you ever forgot in your form.

Josie went back into the house to partake in Ultimate Big Brother with a bunch of old favourites… but wait… where are some of the best?

First to enter the house (after Josie) was Chantelle Houghton, who still has the look of a bewildered puppy staring at its own reflection in the mirror. Of course, she’s joined by knuckle-faced Preston who it seems has come to terms with the fact that his music days are well and truly over and his only hope is to appear on various Big Brother shows and hope that in the future, someone invents a reality TV version of ComicCon so he can be prodded at by bored housewives.

Alas, aside from awkward conversations about their divorce, these two housemates aren’t likely to provide much in the way of televisual entertainment. Really, this pair should’ve been replaced by Victor (who of course conducted an argument whilst dressed as a clown) and Science, the single greatest BB contestant ever who spat the immortal line “tweedle dee, tweedle dum and tweedle twat.”

Good value BB5 winner, Nadia Almada, entered the house with 200 fags under her arm and that fascinating voice of hers which sounds simultaneously like someone going down a cobbled street on a bike and someone crying for help whilst trapped in thermal underwear.

It was obvious that Brian Dowling (BB2 winner) would make an appearance as he’s probably the most popular BB winner in the show’s history. Hopefully, he’ll get to recreate his toe-curling stints with Peter Simon on The Mint when the former Double Darer had something of a nervous breakdown and tried to insert his flaccid penis into the Irishman.

Ulrika Jonsson has hauled her skinned duck-face into the house to remind us of one of the best housemates in the show’s history… Vern Troyer. Yep. Ulrika may have won a previous show, but really, she was pretty boring and could’ve been replaced with someone far more interesting like Pete Burns’ gorilla coat.

Effectively taking the mantle of deluded shit-fer-brains, Makosi Musambasi entered the house and immediately became pregnant. For some reason, she was dressed like a drug mule in sequins and will no doubt give off the air of some kind of hideous royal family member whilst actually conducting herself like Widow Twanky.

Coolio and John McCririck both turned up (mercifully, only one of them rapped their way in) to a) Best open and frank about doing it for the money and b) to act as the human equivalent to paper cuts for the rest of the house and viewing public.

Then, two veritable BB legends. Nikki Grahame ‘Nasty’ Nick Bateman tootled into the house, both sharing a haunted look in their eyes, with Nikki managing to look like a toddler AND a pensioner at the same time. Nick meanwhile, will be surely hoping for another performance on some kind of assault course so we can all laugh our undercarriages sopping.

Davina has already alluded to the fact that two more housemates are going to be entering the house and, on the strength of last night’s entrants, we’ll be seeing more panto villains. That means Pete Burns and Michael Barrymore if he’s not crying in a corner, rocking back-and-forth singing nursery rhymes.

The last bow by Big Brother shows that, if you want to get ahead in the show, then act like a prick. There’s no room for seemingly sweet people like Rachel Rice or Dogface/Sophie. Brian Belo could well make an appearance just so he can piss himself again and thrash his giant penis around in the spa.

As long as Kate Lawler doesn’t show up, we should be fine. Anyone for a spot of melted waxwork Jackie Stallone?

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Big Brother 11 has finished! And, like a finger poking at an open sore, Ultimate Big Brother dives straight in to keep us all in one of two camps – those that loathe the show and those that don’t watch it. And yet, there’s a few glaring omissions that have vexed some viewers. If this [...]

As you may have read yesterday, the world briefly paused for a moment and shrivelled in size due to the taunts thrown at Susan Boyle. Come on now, it isn’t like we’ve all been trained to make fun of people who are clearly different to the social norm. Ginger folk, glasses wearers, bald people and the left handed types will have probably received some verbal anger from the trendy Topshop nation

Roll several elements in to one and it will be almost impossible to resist taunting someone you’d never ever meet in real life. Cue Britain’s Got Talent to offer us Susan Boyle who looked a) a complete mess, b) slightly mental, c) suffering with delusion that she could sing and worst of all was d) Scottish.

Once she opened her gob, we knew that point “c” could be removed but “a”, “b” and “d” would still haunt her. Such as incidents on trains. But fear not Susan Boyle, someone from X-Factor loves you!

If you watched X-Factor on Saturday or just read about the red hot scandal of shit people being helped out with editing techniques, you’d have heard about eighteen year old Gamu Nhengu. Amazingly, she was a normal person who wasn’t told by her family she was the best thing ever, despite everyone knowing she sounded like an abandoned cat in a wheelie bin. Hooray for Gamu – or Gammon as we’ve accidently called her, she progressed to musical concentration boot camp.

Gamu Nhengu doesn’t really have much in common with Susan Boyle. Taking away the obvious visual differences, there is also the ease of which Simon Cowell can cast a wicked spell on such a young talent and groom her to be as dull as Leona Lewis or more upbeat like Alexander Burke. But stop everything, we’re not just typing an extreme excess of words to make sure this article fills its quota of words, the two have something that bonds them. It’s not vocal style or the name of their cat, it’s the fact they both live in Scotland. See, the country has more than just Irn-Bru and deep fried everything.

Speaking to stv.tv, Gamu said:

“Wow! She’s got a set of lungs doesn’t she? She’s amazing!”

If it does emerge that Susan Boyle has no lungs and is somehow producing sounds through her unused vagina then we’d delete all the negative stories we’ve ever published about her. Given the trend for collaborations of late, then expect the two to join forces together and release a single when Scotland stop being shit at football and qualify for a Euro or World Cup tournament. Tediously called I Dreamt A Dream Of Walking On Sunshine At Whatever Tournament It Is.

Scrap that actually, the average life expectancy in Scotland is only twenty-six. This won’t be happening anytime soon.

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As you may have read yesterday, the world briefly paused for a moment and shrivelled in size due to the taunts thrown at Susan Boyle. Come on now, it isn’t like we’ve all been trained to make fun of people who are clearly different to the social norm. Ginger folk, glasses wearers, bald people and [...]

Remember Friends? Every inhabitant of Earth gathered in Times Square to watch the last episode and openly wept when one of them did that thing that meant a lot to their character or whatever it was. Then Joey probably did a bad impression of the Fonz and they all laughed their shoulders up and down like the closing moments of a M.A.S.K. cartoon.

Then, all the careers of the Friends crew almost evaporated overnight. Anyone seen Matthew Perry recently? That woman who played Phoebe? Anyone? Is she selling contraband rolling tobacco out of the back of a Nissan Micra?

Now we’ve got Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. They’ve fared a little better over the years but haven’t ever hit the heights of when they were regularly on TV. Aniston is the only one who stayed in the public eye, mainly thanks to being referred to as That Woman Who Keeps Stabbing Photos Of Angelina Jolie.

In a bid to remind themselves of the glory years, Aniston and Friends co-star Courtney Cox Arquette plan to work together Cox Arquette’s show Cougar Town.

Aniston will play a therapist named Bonnie who Courtney’s character will visit for treatment.

Explaining the character, Cougar Town executive producer Bill Lawrence said:

“She’s kind of a get-too-involved-in-her-life-type of therapist. Those guys are so close in real life they kind of do that for each other anyway. Bonnie has the life Jules wishes she has.”

There have also been rumours that Aniston would also show her face in a Scream sequel with Courtney Cox Her Name Is Too Long To Continually Type Out. The film is called Dimension and the rumour is, apparently, a crock.

Lawrence added

“We’re very intentionally implying that it’s a therapist Courteney’s character has been using for a while, and we’re certainly not going to make it like they’ll never see each other again. So I’m crossing my fingers that if she has a good time it’ll happen again.”

So anyone hoping that Aniston and Cox’s short-lived lez-off in ‘Dirt’ would be furthered in the name of a nostalgia wank… sorry, this is a shirts-on reunion.

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Remember Friends? Every inhabitant of Earth gathered in Times Square to watch the last episode and openly wept when one of them did that thing that meant a lot to their character or whatever it was. Then Joey probably did a bad impression of the Fonz and they all laughed their shoulders up and down [...]

Knock knock. Who’s there? Axl Rose is a massive prick. Okay, it’s obvious that this joke needs work, but the punchline is pretty truthful as rock ‘n’ roll’s most warped ego flops around Europe like the Emperor in his new clothes.

Yes indeed, the world’s most average hard rock band – well, Axl Rose and a bunch of people who are willing to be bossed around by him under the GNR banner – are to play their hugely underwhelming Chinese Democracy LP to European brains, who no doubt, will be egging the band on to play Sweet Child O’Mine and piss-off into the night.

Fat chance.Of course, not one for doing things the easy way, Axl Rose not only likes to make ordinary LPs as expensive to make as humanly possible, but also, like to irritate his own fans so much that, by the time they appear on-stage, they’re delirious and willing to applaud absolutely anything as long as it signifies that they can go to bed soon.

Axl Rose is notorious for showing up on-stage late, presumably so he can get some valuable bullying time in with the rest of his hired henchplayers.

However, this year, they won’t be allowed any tardiness at the Reading And Leeds Festivals has boss of the shows, Melvin Benn, has said that the group will absolutely in no way be allowed to go on late at this year’s events.

The last time Guns N’ Roses played the dual festivals, they went on stage in Leeds after 11pm which is over an hour after their scheduled start time.

Benn told NME that this year the band will simply not be allowed to piss about.

“It’s just not an option. I mean, it is certainly an option for them to go on late, but that for me is just about disrespecting their fans. There isn’t an option for them to carry on late, though.”

He added:

“You may remember they played Leeds festival in 2002, and they actually went onstage after their curfew should have started. They went on after they should have finished. We sort of were allowed to do that on that one occasion.

“Unfortunately, [this year] the police and the local authorities in particular have reaffirmed their position to me that the curfew has to be adhered to. It’s 11pm at Leeds and it’s 11:30pm at Reading. The truth is that I can’t allow the performance to go on beyond that – it’s just that simple.”

The Reading And Leeds Festivals take place on August 27-29 and, of course, Axl Rose and his latest gaggle of depressed Guns N’ Roses will be appearing on-stage at around 3am, just to irritate everyone. With any luck, he’ll be pelted with cups of piss.

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Knock knock. Who’s there? Axl Rose is a massive prick. Okay, it’s obvious that this joke needs work, but the punchline is pretty truthful as rock ‘n’ roll’s most warped ego flops around Europe like the Emperor in his new clothes. Yes indeed, the world’s most average hard rock band – well, Axl Rose and a [...]

I honestly don’t know why people want to know the goings-on of the third placed contestant of a rubbish talent show that aired nine years ago, but in case anyone is bothered, Darius Danesh (or whatever he’s called now) nearly died at the weekend.

Nearly died. Not ‘actually’ died. Not ‘suffered irreparable damage to his larynx’. Not ‘hilariously squashed his winky in a car door and now has to make an agonising decision to either have it removed and live like a girl for the rest of his life or to simply try and refashion the lumpen remains into vaguely the right shape with offcuts of meat and hairnets. No, he ‘nearly died’. Which basically means he’s nothing, and he’s fine, and you might as well stop reading now, unless you have some kind of sick perversion which compels you to find out the exact circumstances behind the accident of every twelfth-rate celebrity with over inflated senses of entitlement.

Seriously, there’s no death, no amusing dismemberment, and Jedward weren’t even in the same car to suffer a fatal hairdo related injury. There is so little point in continuing.

For both of you left, apparently he barreled into a wall at 70mph when he was in Spain. Seriously, people die every day from choking on biscuits and falling down the stairs because they have put both legs into one side of a pair of trousers. And he can survive an accident that killed James Dean? What the hell. Something is seriously wrong with the world. Anyway, as Digitalspy reports (with a marked lack of futilely beseeching to an uncaring god about the unfairness of it all):

(The nurse said,) ‘Three millimetres this way, you no walk; three millimetres that way, you dead.’ It was like how you’d talk to a baby, but I knew what she was trying to say. The 30-year-old, who suffered the injury on a “lads’ driving holiday” in Spain, said that the incident was caused by an oil spillage in the middle of the road. He said: “Because of the haze, we didn’t see that there was a diesel spill on the road. Before we could work out what was going on, it was already too late.

He even saw the haze and carried on at the same speed anyway. Probably raising his fist in defiance at the powerlessness of the universe to kill him. Three millimetres though? That’s pretty galling. Surely if he’d just sped up a couple of miles per hour, or if he’d acted like a regular person on seeing a mysterious, gaseous,  haze above the road then this article would actually be about something, instead of about 500 words on the fact that someone you’d forgotten about had a non-fatal, non-amusing accident by driving about like a tossbag. Would it have been too much to ask?

Anyway, on the plus side he did get a broken neck, so at least that’s something. Even if it is going to ‘heal’ and he’ll be ‘fine’ and all that nonsense.

Darius, so close!

I honestly don’t know why people want to know the goings-on of the third placed contestant of a rubbish talent show that aired nine years ago, but in case anyone is bothered, he nearly died at the weekend. Nearly died. Not ‘actually’ died. Not ‘suffered irreparable damage to his larynx’. Not ‘hilariously squashed his winky in a car door and now has to make an agonising decision to either have it removed and live like a girl for the rest of his life or to simply try and refashion the lumpen remains into vaguely the right shape with offcuts of meat and hairnets. No, he ‘nearly died’. Which basically means he’s nothing, and he’s fine, and you might as well stop reading now, unless you have some kind of sick perversion which compels you to find out the exact circumstances behind the accident of every twelfth-rate celebrity with over inflated senses of entitlement.

Seriously, there’s no death, no amusing dismemberment, and Jedward weren’t even in the same car to suffer a fatal hairdo related injury. There is so little point in continuing.

For both of you left, apparently he barreled into a wall at 70mph when he was in Spain. Seriously, people die every day from choking on biscuits and falling down the stairs because they have put both legs into one side of a pair of trousers. And he can survive an accident that killed James Dean? What the hell. Something is seriously wrong with the world. Anyway, as Digitalspy reports (with a marked lack of futilely beseeching to an uncaring god about the unfairness of it all):

(The nurse said,) ‘Three millimetres this way, you no walk; three millimetres that way, you dead.’ It was like how you’d talk to a baby, but I knew what she was trying to say. The 30-year-old, who suffered the injury on a “lads’ driving holiday” in Spain, said that the incident was caused by an oil spillage in the middle of the road. He said: “Because of the haze, we didn’t see that there was a diesel spill on the road. Before we could work out what was going on, it was already too late.

He even saw the haze and carried on at the same speed anyway. Probably raising his fist in defiance at the powerlessness of the universe to kill him. Bah.

Anyway, on the plus side he did get a broken neck, so at least that’s something. Even if it is going to ‘heal’ and he’ll be ‘fine’ and all that nonsense.

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I honestly don’t know why people want to know the goings-on of the third placed contestant of a rubbish talent show that aired nine years ago, but in case anyone is bothered, Darius Danesh (or whatever he’s called now) nearly died at the weekend. Nearly died. Not ‘actually’ died. Not ‘suffered irreparable damage to [...]

You know Heidi Montag don’t you? Sure you do! She’s that woman… y’know? The one who stands in shoes sometimes. The one from The Hills. The one who made an album for some reason. Yeah! That Heidi Montag!

Now she’s cautiously scribbling something in crayon on her CV under the words ‘Brattish Slebritoid”. The words being written down are ‘SEX TAPE’ as apparently, Spencer Pratt, the soon to be ex-husband of the pop-personality, is in the process of selling a knacky vid of the couple going at it like pigs in a sty.

Naturally, it is Vivid Entertainment who are sniffing around and offering up $5 million for the thing, which is roughly $2.5m per inch of Pratt’s erect member.

‘One friend’ of Montag sniffed:

“It’s not just in the height department that Spencer is challenged! When you see what he has been hiding it will make perfect sense to everyone why he talks such a big game. Only a man with a tiny [member] would be such an a*****e.”

Do you think the starred out word is ‘acolyte’?

Anyway, they added:

“All that kid’s insecurities come from the fact that he is a tiny little man. I hope the $5 million will finally make up for what he doesn’t have below but I doubt it.”

Bloody Nora. If he’s as small as they say, then we might have to draw comparisons with someone trying to shag the horizon with a Ladbrokes’ biro.

“It’s all one big joke to Spencer but Heidi isn’t laughing. She is devastated about the thought of a sex tape being released. What hurts her most is that the tape was filmed before she had her plastic surgery. How would you feel seeing yourself on tape not looking your best?”

Sometimes, there are no words.

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You know Heidi Montag don’t you? Sure you do! She’s that woman… y’know? The one who stands in shoes sometimes. The one from The Hills. The one who made an album for some reason. Yeah! That Heidi Montag! Now she’s cautiously scribbling something in crayon on her CV under the words ‘Brattish Slebritoid”. The words being [...]

Have you seen the films about the Fockers? There’s bloody loads of them aren’t there? This picture of a child puking on Ben Stiller’s face is to signify that there’s a new one coming out called Little Fockers and that it stars small humans (aka childerenz) Oh, and Fockers sounds like a naughty word doesn’t it? What a LOL.

Anyway, the film continues to tap the cringe-gland as Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro) and Greg Focker (Ben Stiller) descend further into an exercise of putting as many feet in your mouth as possible.

Little Fockers sees Laura Dern, Jessica Alba and Harvey Keitel all joining the returning cast for a new chapter of the franchise.

And we’ve got a trailer to show you.

It has taken 10 years, two little Fockers with wife Pam (Polo) and countless hurdles for Greg to finally get “in” with his tightly wound father-in-law, Jack. After the cash-strapped dad takes a job moonlighting for a drug company, however, Jack’s suspicions about his favourite male nurse come roaring back.

When Greg and Pam’s entire clan—including Pam’s lovelorn ex, Kevin (Owen Wilson)—descends for the twins’ birthday party, Greg must prove to the sceptical Jack that he’s fully capable as the man of the house. But with all the misunderstandings, spying and covert missions, will Greg pass Jack’s final test and become the family’s next patriarch…or will the circle of trust be broken for good?

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Have you seen the films about the Fockers? There’s bloody loads of them aren’t there? This picture of a child puking on Ben Stiller’s face is to signify that there’s a new one coming out called Little Fockers and that it stars small humans (aka childerenz) Oh, and Fockers sounds like a naughty word doesn’t [...]

People just can’t decide whether to bully Susan Boyle or not. First, the country sniggered at her for merely having the audacity to stand on a stage looking a bit gormless. Then there was a collective staring-at-shoes moment as she belted out a rubbish Elaine Paige song. Then she got a new leather jacket and everyone starting hurling abuse at her again.

And so the tug o’war continues as Susan Boyle was driven to tears and shouting on a train after a bunch of braying gits thought they’d gang up on her and mock her mercilessly.

At the time of press, it cannot be confirmed whether it was a group of hecklerspray writers on the annual team-building exercise to Scotland. That said, when ’spray writers actually bother to go outside, it is mostly spent weeping and feeling cheated by a world that owes them nothing.

Boyle was apparently riding alone (no, that’s not a euphemism) on a train journey home from Edinburgh to Blackburn (the one in West Lothian, not the town full of glue-sniffers in Lancashire) on Sunday afternoon, when suddenly, she was set upon by fellow commuters who began laughing at her.

The Sun reports that she said:

“I’m normally patient but I am about to greet, greet, greet. I don’t normally get angry with people. I’m ashamed of you all – shut up. I’m warning you, it’s not funny. You wouldn’t like it.”

It would have made for a better story if she’d sang it mind you.

Anyway, in this utterly depressing state of affairs, an onlooker is quoted as noting that Boyle was visibly upset as the taunts continued.

They said:

“Susan was minding her own business on the train. Some people were taking pictures. There were people laughing at her – it was not nice. People noticed she was sobbing. Something was upsetting her.

“She then turned to the people sitting opposite her and told them off. Susan certainly put them in their place – and good for her. It can’t be easy dealing with the fame she has but she handled it well.”

So there you have it. People of Britain – prone to upsetting women on trains. Thrilling stuff.

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People just can’t decide whether to bully Susan Boyle or not. First, the country sniggered at her for merely having the audacity to stand on a stage looking a bit gormless. Then there was a collective staring-at-shoes moment as she belted out a rubbish Elaine Paige song. Then she got a new leather jacket [...]

Cherrybomb – the film where Rupert Grint from the Harry Potter films gets a blowjob off a girl and various other less memorable things happen – is out on DVD soon.

Better still, we’ve got five copies to give away. Want to win one? Good – then all you have to do is look at this picture of Rupert Grint and answer a simple question…

QUESTION: How awesome is this picture of Rupert Grint?

Email your answers (and contact details) to hello[AT]hecklerspray.com with the subject heading ‘Cherrybomb Competition’. Best five entries win. Competition closes at midnight on August 29. UK readers only, please.

Cherrybomb – the film where Rupert Grint from the Harry Potter films gets a blowjob off a girl and various other less memorable things happen – is out on DVD soon. Better still, we’ve got five copies to give away. Want to win one? Good – then all you have to do is look at this [...]

Historians will look back on this momentous occasion with awe and pride, you know. It’s Kim Kardashian.

She’s finally run out of things to say. Over the years Kim Kardashian has managed to eke out the sliver of D-list notoriety she gained by having it off with that bloke on the internet by talking about anything she could think of – her sisters, her friends, her ability to dance, her fondness for Justin Bieber – in the hope that one day it’d take and she’d become a real celebrity.

However, that well has now run dry. Kim Kardashian has somehow exhausted every topic of conversation available to her, and now she finds herself with nothing to say. But Kim Kardashian isn’t going down without a fight, which is why she’s just decided to reveal that she doesn’t have quite as much body hair as you possibly would have anticipated. Genius.

We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “But why would Kim Kardashian bother to even discuss her lack of body hair? Surely anyone with access to the internet has already seen how much body hair she’s got, and also what face she pulls while she’s having sex, and also that she lacks the foresight to realise that filming yourself having sex probably isn’t the best long-term plan of action.”

And, yes, we’d have to agree with your long and surprisingly detailed thought. It doesn’t make a jot of sense for Kim Kardashian to barrel around bragging about her lack of body hair. That is at least until you realise that Kim Kardashian truly believes that if she stops talking about herself to magazines, she will literally cease to exist. In which case it does sort of make some sense. Sort of.

But we’ve kept you on tenterhooks for long enough. What, exactly, did Kim Kardashian say about her body hair? People reports:

“Anytime you see [my hair] in a ponytail, you know I did it,” Kim quips. And her head isn’t the only place that her raven hair seems to get in the way. “I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal!” she says. “Arms, bikini, legs, underarms…my entire body is hairless.”

Ta-daaa! Kim Kardashian’s entire body is hairless! Let’s just consider the repercussions of that, shall we? Kim Kardashian’s entirely hairless body means has ensured that she’s probably a lot less air-resistant than you. This means that if you ever fired Kim Kardashian out of a cannon, she’d probably achieve an impressive velocity before she slammed into the reinforced brick wall you’d deliberately pointed her at. That’s always good to know.

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Historians will look back on this momentous occasion with awe and pride, you know. It's Kim Kardashian.

We don’t know about you, but we get terribly antsy before the release of the Forbes Hip Hop Cash Kings list.

Every year it’s the same. We pace up and down, unable to focus on anything, worrying relentlessly for poor old Jay-Z. “Is Jay-Z still offensively wealthy?” we ask ourselves. “Does Jay-Z still have so much money that he could buy you and your entire extended family, throw you all in a quarry, fill it in with a mixture of concrete and diamonds and still not notice any discernible difference in his bank account? Oh, say that he does!”

So it’s with great relief that we say, yes, according to the 2010 Forbes Hip Hop Cash Kings list, Jay-Z is still rich. Wildly rich. Disgustingly rich. $63 million a year rich. We’ve never been so happy. We think we’re welling up.

What you probably don’t understand is that Jay-Z needs to be so impossibly rich that it makes normal people genuinely contemplate suicide whenever they hear about it. He has mouths to feed, after all. Like his own mouth. And the mouth of Beyonce, even though she’s independently wealthy. And, um… OK, so it’s basically just his mouth and Beyonce’s mouth that he needs to feed. But that still counts. Probably.

Either way, it doesn’t matter. Jay-Z is so rich that he could literally buy all of your childhood memories just so that he could set fire to them in front of you while he sits in a throne made of swan feathers and unicorn tears and laughs, and there’s nothing you can do about it. In fact, according to the just-published Forbes Hip Hop Cash Kings list 2010, Jay-Z is the richest rapper of them all. Yes, again. MTV reports:

For the third time in four years, Jay-Z has been crowned the “Hip-Hop Cash King” by Forbes. The Brooklyn lyricist topped the business magazine’s annual ranking of high-rolling hip-hop stars by earning $63 million over the past 12 months, thanks to business ventures like a high-grossing tour, real estate investments and the successful Broadway production “Fela!”

Jay-Z is so insultingly loaded, in fact, that his earnings are more than double that of the next-placed rapper Diddy, who only managed to scrape together a paltry $30 in the last 12 months. Third was Akon who, because he signed Lady Gaga to his label, raked in $21 million. But spare a thought for poor old 50 Cent who now languishes at a lowly number 14, having only made $8 million this year. $8 million? 50 Cent, you really are an embarrassingly pointless failure.

*Checks own bank account*

*Goes to kill self, realises there’s not even enough money to buy rope to hang self*

*Cries a bit instead*

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We don't know about you, but we get terribly antsy before the release of the Forbes Hip Hop Cash Kings list.

10 - Slow Justin Bieber down by 800% and you get Sigur Ros. Fact…

9 – Jason Statham takes his top off, which might interested the weirdest two percent of you – AmyGrindhouse

8 - Fight Club + Super Smash Bros = something very special indeed - Robotpencil.deviantart

7 - Britain’s Next Top Model continues to get weirder – WatchWithMothers

6 - A genuine TV ad for a slightly grim dating site – BestWeekEver

5 - Who wants to see a man in a yellow T-shirt dancing like Jesus Christ himself? – Buzzfeed

4 - Health benefits of bacon. You’re welcome – Geekologie

3 - Gods that had it off a lot – Asylum

2 - CNN desktop wallpaper, for the creepy newshound - Shoutingatcows

1 - A list of all the horrible things that Bear Grylls has ever eaten. Not including your mum – Askmen

10 - Slow Justin Bieber down by 800% and you get Sigur Ros. Fact… 9 – Jason Statham takes his top off, which might interested the weirdest two percent of you – AmyGrindhouse 8 - Fight Club + Super Smash Bros = something very special indeed - Robotpencil.deviantart 7 - Britain’s Next Top Model continues to get weirder [...]

Cheryl Cole and Derek Hough make an adorable couple, don’t they? It’s obvious that they’re deeply in love.

Look at Derek Hough. He doesn’t look like the sort of man who’d vomit over a female hairdresser during a gruesome bout of drunken extramarital intercourse, does he? Admittedly that’s because it takes quite a stretch of the imagination to visualise him having any sort of sex with any form of woman at all, or even owning a functioning set of genitals. But that doesn’t matter – Cheryl Cole and Derek Hough are in love.

Except they’re not. That’s what boxer Amir Khan says. He said, after having dinner with her, that it’s all a great big cover-up to keep photographers at bay. So that means Cheryl Cole is still single. Quick, someone tell Joe McElderry – we seem to remember that he had a massive crush on her last year.

Admit it, when you discovered that Cheryl Cole had split up from Ashley Cole and immediately found love with Derek Hough, you were thrilled. Derek was almost the exact opposite of Ashley – he was caring and thoughtful while Ashley was a renowned shagger. He stayed by Cheryl’s bedside as soon as she contracted malaria while Ashley would have probably taken the opportunity to sneak out and pork some slappers. He is a professional dancer while Ashley gets paid to run around a field while several thousand men boo him.

Yes, Derek Hough is perfect for Cheryl Cole in every way imaginable. Except, possibly, for the fact that they’re not in love and the whole this is apparently just a bloody great sham. That’s what Amir Khan says, anyway, and we believe him as much as we believe anyone who gets punched in the head on a regular basis for a living. Metro reports:

The boxing champ, a close friend of the singer, spoke out after having dinner with the pair in LA last week. ‘He’s not her boyfriend,’ the 23-year-old said. ‘They’re not going out. It’s all a cover-up to keep photographers at bay,’ he told Grazia magazine. The pair have gone to great lengths to show they are close.

A cover-up? Wow, this is just like Three Days Of The Condor, except it’s about something that only an idiot could possibly bring themselves to care about. Still, if Amir Khan’s claims are true then we should have seen the signs. Derek and Cheryl’s public awkwardness, their last of chemistry and the way that Cheryl Cole has changed the words of Fight For This Love to “We gotta pretend pretend pretend pretend pretend to be shagging each other to keep the photographers at bay for reasons that don’t immediately make total sense.” It was right in front of our noses all along.

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Cheryl Cole and Derek Hough make an adorable couple, don't they? It's obvious that they're deeply in love.

Imagine being George Clooney. Wouldn’t it be great?  You get to have international fame as being the nippleiest Batman ever.

You can devote your life to pigs and no one thinks you’re a weirdo. Your name sounds like a slang word for a ladies area. And, best of all, everyone knows you as an international playboy and eternal bachelor, meaning you can knob your way though vast crowds of women young enough to be your daughter without anyone expecting you to settle down.

Sort of like a male Lindsay Lohan. That is, apart from the age thing. And the more sensible career choices. And the fact that he looks like he’d just smell like an old man, and not like he’d need to be washing at arms length with an antiseptic sponge. And not being a lunatic.  Basically, he’s got it made.

But what’s this? His girlfriend has been seen wearing a ring? Is this the fall of the house of Cloon?

Of course it isn’t. He’s strapped on his enhanced plastic nipples and wielded his marriage-repellent bat-spray – otherwise known as his publicist. As Radaronline reports:

Clooney’s rep confirmed to RadarOnline.com “it’s a napkin ring” that she appeared to be flashing to photographers.

A napkin ring? Those things are huge compared to little, tiny engagement rings for dainty ladies! Obviously, it’s either a great big fat lie about it being a napkin ring, or his girlfriend has some kind of grotesque elephantitis of the fingers which leaves them the size of Bratwurst and means that the local Italian children laugh at her in the street and call her ‘tree fingers’ and ask if they can make a bookcase out of her hand (insults tend to lose something in the translation).

Either of those, probably. Or it could be that people are just pretty stupid and like to make up elaborate fantasies regarding the home life of famous people based on a single still image of something shiny attached to someone’s hand. Kind of like I’d drawn the conclusion that Katy Perry likes to dress up as a hairless wolf and pretend to devour langoustines and cream cheese from Russell Brand’s navel, based on an image of them both striding past an injured hen.

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Imagine being George Clooney. Wouldn’t it be great?  You get to have international fame as being the nippleiest Batman ever. You can devote your life to pigs and no one thinks you’re a weirdo. Your name sounds like a slang word for a ladies area. And, best of all, everyone knows you as an international playboy [...]

Sorry for wasting your day, but you might have already read this story before.

In an ideal world, we’d love to be the first news outlet to let you know that this estranged couple have patched up their differences by posing together in an exclusive photo shoot for some tacky magazine. Instead, Katie Price has decided to remind us yet again that she believes Peter Andre is still harping on about their divorce.

Of course, these suggestions are ludicrous when you think about it. Surely when the two split, they’d never have to communicate ever again apart from awkward birthdays and Christmases with the kids. But oh no, we forgot the TV crews that follow the pair around to record every gory detail. Surely Katie Price doesn’t sit down and watch Peter Andres show with a tube of Pringles and scribble down each lie he says? Actually, we wouldn’t put it past her.

Let’s offer our services to throw a spanner in her works and shut Katie Price up from babbling about her divorce. Newspapers are meant to report about real items such as hot political debate, scandal and matters close to home; but somewhere along the line, a gap in the news has supposedly allowed ‘negative press’ to sift through about Katie Price. Oh dear, she said about the situation:

“The negative press attention hurts my family more than me. I say, ‘Mum, just don’t read it. End of.’ Junior, my middle son, does ask questions about my divorce from Pete but I don’t know what Pete says to him.”

For someone who recently promoted her millionth book by pretty much forcing her boobs in to the world’s face, it’s strange to think how she believes she can only generate good press about herself. The general perception of Peter Andre is that he is a bit of a goon and would probably buy you a pint even if you didn’t know him; all he wants in return is a friend. Moaning on further, Katie Price said:

“All he ever had to say is, ‘I don’t want any bad word said about Kate. She’s the mother of my kids. End of.’ But instead he milked the situation and still is.”

Unless it’s us, we now have the image of Peter Andre suckling on the teat of the media and extracting all its milky hate to spit in the face of his ex-partner. Or as what will probably happen here, he’ll respond to this by releasing a song and she’ll call him a twat or something.

Oh how we love the circle of divorcee life.

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Sorry for wasting your day, but you might have already read this story before. In an ideal world, we’d love to be the first news outlet to let you know that this estranged couple have patched up their differences by posing together in an exclusive photo shoot for some tacky magazine. Instead, Katie Price has [...]

Spoilers. Not what Phil Mitchell would fix to the back of a car in his garage, were he not so high on crack fumes all the time, but rather, dramatic spoilers.

“What’s going to happen next in EastEnders?”, that’s what you want to know, and you don’t care about simple things like good drama needing the element of surprise, you just want to be able to ruin it for all your friends, and get there first.

So, here goes. We at hecklerspray haven’t seen these episodes either, but we have read about them, and how unpredictable can they really be? So, here goes…

Later this week, Peggy wants to cheer up Ronnie (good luck with that) and suggests a family dinner – bound to end well. Ronnie tries to be upbeat (doubt it) and agrees to go, but her confidence cracks when Glenda turns up at R&R and wants to explain herself. Fairly easily broken confidence there, Ronnie. It’s not like you tried to beat the world record for something but just lost out, your mum just turned up looking to explain herself, and you’re a wreck again.

Anyway, wheelchair bound, big-eared Jack wastes no time in telling Glenda to leave. Later, at The Vic, Glenda has a talk with Peggy and implores her for a second chance with her daughters, but Ronnie is furious when she sees her. Peggy tells Ronnie that, despite everything, Glenda is still her mum, but Ronnie and Roxy both say that Peggy is more of a mum than Glenda has ever been (bad luck), so easily swayed Peggy tells Glenda to leave. She’s such a good mum, she married Ronnie’s rapist, didn’t believe her and has now banished her real mum, the perfect Mitchell matriarch.

Later, at the family meal, Aunt Sal and Peggy have a heated row. Sal argues that the people present at the meal are not her close, blood family, which, like a man attacking a geography teacher’s trousers, strikes a chord. Peggy realises that what she really wants is Phil, so she heads over to number 27 to find him and apologise. When she arrives, she discovers him sat on the living room floor, off his head, with drug paraphernalia strewn around him.

I’m guessing that isn’t leaflets about not sharing needles or stuff like that (that’s maybe more drugs pamphlets), but rather crack pipes, maybe some roach ends, rizla, pills and tabs of acid – EastEnders has no doubt got Phil on every drug going by now. Oh, and Who albums of course – Phil can’t get off his box without a good blast of Townshend and Daldrey.

Some other convoluted nonsense is going on with Max, Darren, Harry, Vanessa and Jodie, but be honest, do you really care? Me neither. The sooner they kick all these B characters out, the better.

Meanwhile, Carol goes on her date with Lewis (poor fella); Peggy tells Billy that he and Jay can move into The Vic (which is bigger – the amount of hidden bedrooms above the pub or the amount of sad sap humiliation Billy can take?), Zsa Zsa asks Mercy for a place to stay (crazy names, crazy girls); and Shirley calls together an emergency meeting in a bid to help Phil.

Back to Peggy. She realises that Shirley knew that Phil was taking drugs and they argue. Shirley blames Peggy’s mothering skills for Phil being the way he is (true), while Peggy responds by firing Shirley and throwing her out of the pub (the Mitchell way in action). Peggy later pays Phil another visit and offers to help him, but he shakes her, insults her and tells her to shut up (standard Mitchell tenderness, then). After Peggy slaps Phil hard around the face, he marches her out of the house and slams the door behind her.

Peggy tells Pat that she has pushed all of her family away. She only hopes it isn’t too late for her to sort out her relationship with jailbird Sam. But when she goes to see her daughter in prison, Sam also says she doesn’t need her, which is pretty bad as Sam has always been the most useless, needy Mitchell of them all. As Sam stands, Peggy sees that she is heavily pregnant…

Meanwhile, Carol tells Bianca that her date with Lewis was a disaster and she doesn’t want to talk about it, but Bianca discovers she’s lying, as she’s scared of getting hurt and has lost confidence in her looks. So, slightly creepily, Bianca asks Ricky to tell Carol she is “fit”. Then Bianca seems jealous over Ricky flattering Carol and grills him about whose legs are better! (Ugly) women, eh?!

Now onto next week: Minty proves himself to Sam by making the ultimate commitment in the first visit of the week to Walford – presumably he asks her to marry him and doesn’t just tell her he’s becoming a priest.

Elsewhere, Vanessa bonds with Abi, and Ian pines after his youth. When was that exactly? Hasn’t he been running a business since he was about 12?

Meanwhile, Christian finds Syed the perfect job… no, not what you’re thinking, smutty. That wouldn’t be at all appropriate for a pre-watershed soap opera, a bit like a dad smoking crack. Oh.
Ian and Jane are shocked when their kids are accused of cheating. Not sure why they’re shocked, Lucy has already proven to be a grade A mentalist and Peter has stupid hair. Also they’re Ian’s kids, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree… unless it’s on the top of a hill.

Meanwhile, Minty seeks solace in Heather (again?) and Max is stopped in his tracks when Dot presents him with a gift. What could it be? Money off at Dominos? A voucher to sponsor an African child or donkey? The mind boggles.

Jane protects her family only to find they’re the ones who’ve betrayed her. Heather gets a scare but Minty is there to help. No doubt offering her another “shoulder” to cry on (but not lean on, she’s too heavy), the confused moron.

And Christian and Roxy’s drunken behaviour alarms Syed. He is a Muslim, after all.

While Jane stands by a life-changing decision (sex change?), Tam refuses to pretend that his brother doesn’t exist, while all the viewers wish that HE didn’t exist, the boring geek. So, there it is – part spoiler, part teaser, that goes to show it’s all going off on EastEnders! Well, sort of. OK, not particularly. What did you expect? The whole country is on holiday.

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Spoilers. Not what Phil Mitchell would fix to the back of a car in his garage, were he not so high on crack fumes all the time, but rather, dramatic spoilers. “What’s going to happen next in EastEnders?”, that’s what you want to know, and you don’t care about simple things like good drama needing the [...]

Yeah, this is what we’re talking about. Mel Gibson has totally crashed his car. Brace yourselves for hilarity.

All those emergency services! Just imagine what sort of gushing bile torrent he directed at them. Remember that Mel Gibson is a man who can screech anti-Semitic vitriol at a policeman one minute and then angrily inform the mother of his child that she deserves to be raped the next – he must have really launched some vicious humdingers at the highway patrol officers who came to check out the aftermath of the crash. Oh boy, this is going to be amazing.

What? The highway patrol officer said that Mel Gibson acted like ‘a gentleman’? And it doesn’t appear that he was drunk at the time of the crash? And he wasn’t even injured because he was sensible enough to wear a seatbelt? Ugh. Mel Gibson. You’ve changed.

The general consensus recently has been that Mel Gibson needs to keep his head down. After all, if there were several taped phonecalls of you shrieking a procession of increasingly violent insults at the mother of your children (who has accused you of punching her in the face), you’d want to keep your head down as well. So that’s what Mel Gibson has been doing, he’s been keeping his head down.

Unfortunately it seems like he may have been keeping his head down so low that he can no longer drive cars properly, because on Sunday night Mel Gibson crashed his Maserati into a rock hillside in Malibu. God knows what the rock hillside did to provoke this – maybe it gave birth to one of Mel Gibson’s children or looked a bit Jewish or something. We simply don’t know. What we do know, however, is that Mel Gibson was the model citizen throughout. CNN reports:

Alcohol is not suspected in the wreck on Malibu Canyon Road CHP Officer Leland Tang said. “At that location and on that road, it could have happened to anybody,”… The CHP spokesman said the actor made it out of the crash with “no injuries, not even a scratch.” He theorized Gibson must have been wearing his seat belt. Gibson “was extremely cooperative, he was a gentlemen” after Sunday’s wreck, Tang said.

Seatbelt? Gentleman? Cooperative? Could have happened to anybody? What IS this? We don’t believe that any of this happened, by the way. We think that Mel Gibson only escaped unharmed from the crash because he terrified the rock hillside so much with his swearing and screaming and panting that it somehow managed to change its molecular structure in time to cushion his impact. That might sound scientifically dubious, but we’d rather believe that than something as crazy as Mel Gibson being responsible enough to wear a seatbelt.

And as for the whole ‘gentleman’ thing, maybe Leland Tang just really, really likes What Women Wan… no that’s going too far. That’s preposterous. Nobody likes that film.

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Yeah, this is what we're talking about. Mel Gibson has totally crashed his car. Brace yourselves for hilarity.